Need to write...or, No se puede vivir sin amor

Yes, it's only been a few weeks since my last post and I'm definitely feeling the need to write!

Here's some journal entries from the past few weeks too...(entry dates are in reverse order (hey, I feel a little crazy today!)

12/18/07
I think I've tied the knot on M, really. Of course I would see him again, but I think we both know it's finally able to rest. I love him, thank him for so much, and wish him the very best in all things, and that last part I've said many times in many ways, but here it's not meant with any sarcasm.

And after months and months of dejected depression, philosphically speaking, I feel like love might be able to be resurrected. We always have beauty to remind us, no matter how terribly our relationships go, how faulty our systems become, how debase our existence is sometimes, we *always* have art and beauty, and originality.

Platonic Truths/Forms
1. Beauty
2. Originality
3. Truth
4. Love
5. Compassion


12/14/07

Every dream (lately) seems to be so projection shadow. Like last night's dream - dreamed about R having sex with Dan (of all people!) I watched, it turned me on, but I had real trouble reaching orgasm - or at least my orgasms don't seem to be as quick - (I think I expect myself to be really fast and quick like I have been all my life).
Anyway - I thought this dream was pure projection because when all the women were dancing at the work party last night I thought (very consciously) about how hot they all moved in their bodies and how much I really am attracted to women in general. G was just so damn cute and hot! I was smoking! S was tantalizing!
I think that little sexual tease got turned around in dream world - to R having sex with another guy, as opposed to me having sex w/another woman - and that I believe is some form of projection to get turned around like that.


12/9/07 Monday (I think)

Been quite fixated on this there-are-92-really-112-atoms knowledge and how it relates to singulation and more importantly, originality. So everything that is physical (material) can be broken down into one or more of those atoms - the combo of atoms creates molecules and this then is really everything material and physical - all from 92 atoms (give or take a few!)!


12/4/07

I don't like how I 'am' but I've learned to deal with it nowadays. I'm both independent and dependent, I'm both feminine and masculine - I seem to be mostly polarized and opinionated. But I'm pretty smart too - I think. I want so badly to be loved and yet I don't want to be possessed.
On another note:
I want to do something that creates beauty. I want to have a hand in bringing more beauty into the world. Something with me working with nature, with the visual...maybe something in photography.
Later:
What M has given me is the opportunity to learn about myself, to know how I am, what I want, what I don't want, and he did it w/o possessing me or controlling me - gave me a chance to be me. The difference between R and M is that by changing or figuring stuff out I hurt R sometimes but with M I'm not involved with him so I don't hurt me by just being me.
Would it be possible to have that freedom w/o being in a 'relationship'?

11/28/07

Is the eco-movement inherently classist?
Is the return/resurrection/rebirth of the spiritual/sacred in the ecology movement, the Greenpeace movement, the eco-social movement, never to succeed and/or convert others to the 'movement' except at a WASP level?
What about hispanics in the inner-city barrios - is the eco-movement real and important to them? How can it be real to them?
Do we have to have buy-in from a larger economic and class section of the population to succeed as movement or change instrument?

Singulation and Originality

I just finished reading a cute little book that A gave me; Uncle Albert and the Quantum Quest by Russell Stannard.

One of the things that struck me was the fact that there is approx. 92 atoms (The basic component of all matter. The atom is the smallest particle of an element that has all of the chemical properties of that element. Atoms consist of a nucleus of protons and neutrons surrounded by electrons.)
that we know of...(BTW, I think the atom count is now 112!)
and that EVERYTHING we have materially, everything we physically can touch, hold, etc., our physical reality in effect, comes from a combination of those atoms, which are of course called molecules (The smallest particle into which a substance can be divided without changing its chemical properties. A molecule of an element consists of one atom, or two or more atoms that are alike. A molecule of a compound consists of two of more different atoms.)
This is basic science mind you, but the book presented this mundane fact in new light, and made emphasis on what an incredible fact this was for how the world (and our reality) is made and perceived...Just think about it...everything that you touch today is some phenomenal combination of *just* 92 atoms!

That's just WOW.

Dad as Rasputin?

or at least a feeble attempt....

What I'm thinking about - Part 1

What is the impact of foreign monies being invested into large US corporations/businesses?
Such as - http://biz.yahoo.com/ap/071127/wall_street.html

It just doesn't set well....

Old vs young (Random thoughts)

Or millennium vs baby boomer...in regards to investing or stock growth potential.
Key is analyzing who owns the company (not the capital investors), who runs it, the age range (generation) of the folks that are owners.

Millenium interests, with support - nanotechnology, biomedical nanotechnology

Baby Boomers - ecological, recycling

New work wanted

What would it take to get me out from behind my computer? What employment opportunity might be available so I can do more 'meaningful' work? So I'm not just an admin. type paper-pusher - I want to have a job that satisfies me on the inside, in my heart, and lets me use my intuition more, involves the free use of my intelligence, some work that involves right and just and moral interactions, including interactions with nature...

What kind of work would that be?

How could I forget, she...

innocently asked? It most probably was one of THE most important dreams I've had in quite some time!!! How did I forget to post it here?

Well, here:

I never felt loved.
I still (sometimes) don't.
I masturbated because it felt good, and it made me feel good, which not much else did.
My parents never gave me a 'role model' for a relationship.

I substituted sex for love, and now know that they have absolutely nothing to do with one another, except for lots of similarities - like they both feel good, get you stimulated, etc. But most importantly, one does NOT mean the other.

I'm so

f&*king melancholy sometimes uh? So full of angst and weltschmertz (as J might say)...
ya, I know.

I'm better today.

Family Legacies and letting go

I had a strong and seemingly meaningful dream last night - about M, the role of love in my life, and about letting go.
In essence, the dream detailed another futile attempt at M and I 'getting together', possibly reflecting both his most current offer (which I was unable to do because I was still moving), and the totality of our relationship...He had come over to visit or something like that, and I tried like hell to entertain him, amuse him, sexually interest him, etc. and his response was bland and reserved. I had the feeling that we both knew exactly what was the hidden agenda (we could not let go) , but like most times, it wasn't getting dealt with or talked about...and the most interesting part of this dream was it's illumination on M's situation - why he has been involved all these years, and what keeps him coming back for more...it wasn't exactly spelled out for me, but part of the message in the dream seemed to point out to me that M's role and it's resolution is just as important as mine...but M is most always as tip-lipped as a clam when it comes to his karma and our relationship (and of course he never utters the word karma)...It's definitely a sun/saturn moon/sun relationship.
Anywho - it was all about unrequited and unresolved emotions, mostly love, and him going through the motions of us being together, me trying like hell to get him to 'love' me, and just a general malaise of a semi-tragic relationship of opposites tied together with sex, karma and cultural stereotypes...I saw most of our relationship being me trying to get him to love me and the bottom line is that he just doesn't.
I woke up from this powerful dream crying, and said these words out loud to myself, almost as if those words were coming out of the dream images themselves - 'It's OK to let go'.

It's OK to let go.


It's OK to let go.


It's OK to let go.

M, again

It must be the retrograde Mercury....



Today,
I cling to the cornucopia of you like an insulated life jacket,
I'm adrift again,
the sky mimics all the gray grey, clouds moving into misty whiteness, shades and variations on bleak, dynamic, metamorphic; then sun,
then again
back to gray.

You were the shape of my intimate things to come,
you helped form the clay,
the sensualness of what became my art, in touching,
in the deep sexuality between us.

What did I know?
You were all I knew.
You were all I knew.

What did you know?
What did you know?

Good morning - Full Moon

Full Moon in Aries (Sun in Virgo) tonight.

I've been meaning to blog about the Saturday Salon with my Dad now for a while...here's the scene and the players.


The Players:
My Dad = The Elder Statesman

Me = The Madame

Dick = The Decider

Alvin = The Minister of Information

Erin = The Acolyte

Ken = The Librarian (or the Interloper)

Russ = The Counselor

Malcolm = The Jester

Kyle = The Crown Prince

The Setting:
Saturday afternoon, anywhere from 2pm until 3pm, the Salon is open.

Location:
King Yen Restaurant, 2995 College Ave, Berkeley, CA

Seems

Seems like it's been a month since I last posted!

Lunar eclipse drove me deep into dreamland last night; sexual dreaming, of course, about M and I. It was very intense and serious even though it was about lovemaking - he agreed to sleep with me again but only under the circumstances of me telling him exactly what kinds of things I wanted him to do to me, things I know would please me which in turn would please him - definitely a s/d dream but with a twist.

I just plain 'ol miss him. (Still semi-convinced here that I only want/miss the unobtainable)

On another note - I'm so freaking busy at work I have not had a spare minute to even think about singulation, well, hardly an extra minute. I do want to attempt some sort of creative expressive arts to describe it though - drawing, or painting? How do we visually describe complex abstract thoughts and ideas? (Mathematics are one way)

And I want to sign up for David Peat's class this semester - I'll see about doing that today.

d/s

It's clear to see that you're down to earth
With a hold on what your worth
Like no other
And I'd like to thank your mother for that

I bet ya there's a line outside your door
And it's a line I know for sure
That you don't want from me
Like a hole in your head

I want to be just you just me
No tricks, no show
But I got to let you know

I'm not waiting in line
I'm not changing my mind for you
I'm not wasting my time
I'm not waiting in line for you

Now I think if we got something started
We would both fall in whole hearted
I'm not like no other
And you can thank my mother for that

I'm sure there is a line in front of me
And it's a line I'm sure to need from you
Like a whole in my head

I want to be just you just me
No tricks, no show
But I got to let you know

I'm not waiting in line
I'm not changing my mind for you
I'm not wasting my time
I'm not waiting in line for you

I've been saving myself for you
But I'm not wasting my time for no one
Oh But if you want me to be
Baby I'll be rough enough
Baby I'll be tough enough
Oh you know I'm rich enough
But I wont be nobody's fool

I'm not waiting in line
And I'm not changing my mind for you
I'm not wasting my time
I'm not waiting in line for you

I'm not waiting in line
And I'm not changing my mind for you
I'm not wasting my time
I'm not waiting in line

Unless you want me to

I'd vote for all of them dept.

Thanks to The onion - www.theonion.com

It's reassuring...

for a philosopher and wanna-be physics geek like me to know that singulation is occuring *ALL* the time. Singulation happens when collapse takes place and when elements, atoms, photons, etc. are combined too - like putting cream into my coffee, and stirring - collapse and combination.

And my coffee tastes good too :-)

Notebook 5

Notebook 4

Notebook 3

More notebook pages 2

Powerful words

Reading The Self-Aware Universe by Amit Goswami.
It's powerful and wonderful - I liken it to Wolf's way of saying things, of telling a story.
Resonation with what someone is saying is a strange and curious emotional/intellectual response, as this book also contains tidbits that will bring me to tears, almost instantaneously...
"Can you imagine loving someone from choice - not because there is the possiblitiy of ego-gratification, not because you are in love, not because you have reasons to love? This is love from the level of buddhi. We cannot will it. We can only surrender to it in a creative opening."
And,
"There is a Chinese fable about the similarity and difference between heaven and hell. Both heaven and hell are banquets with large, round tables that are laden with delicious food. In both places, the chopsticks are about five feet long. Now for the difference. In hell people try in vain to use the chopsticks to feed themselves. In heaven everyone simply feeds the person sitting across the table. If I feed another, will I be fed? Surrendering this ego-level uncertainty is the awakening of trust."
"Just as unconditional love demands trust from the lover, so it invites trust from the receiver."

From the notebook

6/21/07

I woke up this morning all emotional - more so than usual.

The dichotomy between love/spiritual transcendence and the urbanly mundane filth seems particularly strong this morning, today.

Authors

1. Lionel Shriver

What turns me on - Things I always enjoy - Things that give me pleasure

1. Going to yard/estate/garage sales. Yeah, I shyly admit that I'm not too out front with this one - going to yard sales, being what one might call addicted to it, is not something I usually put right out in the fore of my doing activities list for others to hear/see/view. I really DO love doing this - the planning of looking at CL or the newspaper, the mapping out of where the yard sales are, etc., and, looking back, my enjoyment in these activities has been a part of my life now for 30 + years! Wow!My mom and I sorta took it up together shortly after we moved to SF in 1970...We must have taken it up almost out of necessity, as my family and I never had much money, so it's seed was getting some or more for less.
My sheer pleasure and enjoyment stems from two areas: the potential of purchasing an item cheaply that would normally be retail-wise quite expensive, and two, I love enmeshing myself in the semi-quantum world of looking at/viewing objects/things. (Some further explanation is needed here; upon re-read, I was thinking that someone else would think I was some kind of voyeur!...hummm...just a brief thinking about that word turns me on, so maybe I do 'like to watch'....(more later on this)...
(I'm sorta off on a mental tangent now, thinking that last sentence gave me reason to consider if I was indeed going to list my sexual pleasures here...but that was not my original plan here ;-0

20/20

I think the saying is: Hindsight is 20/20. Yeah. That's right. Why is that?

Sometimes my psyche is just a big backasswards vicious circle, it seems.
So I don't want to 'have' guys in my life that just want me for sex - so I don't - M, MJ, R, now V (who remains to be seen), all do the chaste approach, then w/ J it's all about sex (but in wolf's clothing).
So the alphabet soup crowd leaves me whining about nobility though - THEY (hehe) are forcing me to look inside myself and find my worth w/o sex - yikes! Really - to deal with the self-esteem issues, to see that I am intelligent (still don't think so at all), interesting (uh?), etc. But outside validation is only one small (er?) aspect of intrinsic self-worth - first and foremost, I have to believe in myself and see my own self-worth, as no amount of external v will ever be able to fill that gap...OK - this all sounds fine, so far...
Except I'm still hesitiating, still searching for a way to validate myself w/o having sex. (Which is, in a weird twisted way is both extremely egotistical of myself and debasing myself too)...I seem to like/want to entice myself and flog myself at the same time...thereby going back (in a backasswards way) to the 'most amorous' statement...

Oh - and did I mention that I was to be enthralled w/you too? That I want love to be idealized? That I work best in an idealized, forever being enticed relationship? John Bendix enticed me - I was going to travel to Europe w/him (one of my dreams!), he was very smart...and in the end, yikes!, he was a lying emotional cripple. (I would say I'm still hurt about J and I, as I usually am so polite not to mention his full name, etc. and today I said f*&k it instead).
Hah! LOL, with a snicker - maybe it's Mercury retrograde...

Insert melodramatic post title here

OK - so immediately I'm sure you get the impression I'm not in a very positive mood right now, and hey, you would be right! So why not blog-it-out, spread this shit around, let it fertilize others and hopefully let it go..;-0

Being creative. Staying creative. Those are the keys to maintaining my (and everyones I would strongly suppose) balance, and balance is important to being healthy. So when I get depressed (like today) I know I need to draw and dance and put something together in a creative way - even write, like now.
Check list:
I really want to talk this morning about why the unobtainable is the most amorous for me - (that's a statement I made a few months ago here).
How do you balance your projection vs. your reception in being an empath?
What does it mean when I start to cry around someone else? What are they touching on, inside me or inside them, that effects me so much - and in small answer to that, it's like a quick vision of the transcendally unobtainable appears and I get moved to tears...or i know I am very close to tears, a strong upwelling of emotional response, as the circumstances are different and the response is different too - but I feel like I could identify a current or a thread...In the car on Monday, sitting talking to MJ, I was babbling on about my last visit with V, and I 'caught' a feeling of MJ needing direct attention (I use that word loosely) and I shut myself down and started receiving his feelings...and soon enough I started to cry because I was feeling his feelings, I was just there, crying and what I felt was fairly deeply connected to him, while he talked, I KNEW he was in pain, he was feeling pain...But again, where does the line come in? The line between him and I? I know emotionally he is 'safe' and we are not involved - so he is, pretty much, the unobtainable (and seriously, I wouldn't want him overall and above anyway)....
So - my empathy is tied in some manner with my low self-esteem my thinks...
And with V, it happened the other night when we were at the Cosmopolitan, talking over dinner...I felt myself open up to him, just a little (I think we were talking about my being a single welfare mom and how bad things were for us when I was going to SRJC/SSU) and I got misty-eyed for a few moments,felt my emotional vulnerability show up and out (I'll have to ask V if he felt or noticed anything there/then.)
That time was a little different than with MJ, as I'm still getting to know V, and the trust thing for me makes me aloof and not so grounded in the here and now w/someone, sometimes, esp. at the beginning of a relationship.
(I still harbor great fears and tears that no one will love me unless I put out...that line of thinking follows the one of the self-confirming waterloo - sex is the great bond, but it's secular and illusive and fraught with pain and hurt...so I can achieve the oneness with sex, but then it's gone and isn't just for me anyway - guys give it to others WAY too easily...so my oneness becomes something that I thought was dependable and unique, and I wake up to find out it's not...

Sigh.

And I'm very intrigued with V's whole concept of domination and women - to quote (loosely) - All woman are doms, and most top from the bottom.
I think I agree with that, and see sex (from a angular view) as a power struggle and sometimes HUGE emotional game between men and woman, which is rarely discussed and dealt with on any level between them.
More on the V statement later.

More pieces...

Reading The Connectivity Hypothesis by Ervin Laszlo...

Singulation, being a process of a quasi-instantaneousness, and related to a single singularity, is more of a coordinate singularity than a topographical one/equation.
I don't see any problem with pre-singularity being a plenum field theory, then having it change and become a coordinate field idea upon singulation. (For some reason I cannot fully understand, physicists seems unable to combine parts and pieces of both classical and quantum theories together when necessary to be able make a consistent and holistic theory.)

I also think that time DOES become part of singulation on the quantum level, BUT it is not irreversible after singulation. And it DOES become a thermodynamic arrow of time as mass increases.
The setting of the directional arrow of time upon singulation does mean that complexity increases because at the quantum level, singulation is happening, oh, about a gazillion times a second, and because of the inherent properties of each 'natural' singularity which becomes atomic, common direction in time and of time occurs.

All in a morning's surf...

Another interesting Blog - and his cartoons are pretty darn funny too! - www.gapingvoid.com

Black Holes

Very good web-based video/animation of about Black Holes - I think it's from the Hubble site...and it was a link on this blog - catdynamics.blogspot.com/2006_05_01_archive.html

http://hubblesite.org/discoveries/black_holes/

What is my dharma?

What is my dharma? What is my highest truth?



I think my highest truth is that I am meant to love.

Never famous

My blog will never be famous.
My blog will never be famous, like some of those listed on Bloggers home page...with all the BIG TYPE and CHECK THESE (THIS) BLOGS OUT!!!! kind of statements smeared and garishly displayed for the entire world to see...No, no madam, my blog will never be in the Featured Blogs area....nope.

And why not, she dared to ask?...Because this blog is all about me.

Important

What's important, today and now, in these times of increasing rapidity in the entire structure and fabric of our lives, of the increasingly mechanized aspects of our environment, in our internal rhythms and cycles too....What's important today?

What has meaning and feeling in my life?

I get called into nature..I get moved to be still and let my primordial beginnings flow through me and around me once again - like a emotional and sensible re-charge, re-generation...nature itself is not not what's important for me at this moment, it's the loss of the ability to tell what's important that brings me back to nature.
With nature, I get the 'big picture' again, the ebb and flow of essencial and meaningful life - not my life, but all life.

That's what's important.

"awe of the mystery and the tryannny of desire..."

Gotta love the New Yorker (at least I am, and do)...

Most seem to have given up on the magazine after Tina Brown left, but I have no basis for comparison, having come into really knowing the magazine since then...this recent week's issue had some wonderful writing it in, as usual. The quote above is from one of the articles, I don't remember which, but does it matter anyway? Great lucid crafted coherent poetic fine writing is eternal, is it not? It's words put into a Platonic eternal form of beauty; stories, our written craft, formed shaped labored over is as solid of shape when it emerges and when it is jointly and commonly read - whoa! watch out! that's when it becomes really good, specifically good, calling to many who uphold the memory of the form in their minds - seeing it again in the shape of a story in our language, a metaphor crafted together, making up an eternal form.

(By Jove, I think I may be on to something here) - maybe our LANGUAGE, like a spoken and written symbol is a Platonic form. Like a meta-symbol, because I can already hear an argument that says there are too many specifics and details and such to make, or decide, how much of a story (filled with a gazillion individual stories) is going to make up one form - but it's the meta form that makes language become Platonic - not the small individual words.


Something certainly to contemplate.

Eros and Creativity

Creatively, I am fallow right now...I miss (and seem to almost desperately need) Eros to be stimulated and productive...

As much of a dick as J was, he did stimulate my creative juices...we produced some great stuff when we were together. I think I nearly fancied myself a writer at one time in our trysting; all because of the urgings of Eros.

I dreamed about M last night - he and I never had much creativity between us, we just seemed to fit together in a solid, pragmatic sense.

I need my fields fertilized; I want to feel the creative kick in my belly, I'm needing to bloom again...

Whitehead and Consciousness article by Stuart Hameroff

"In the quantum realm (and the boundary between the quantum and classical worlds remains mysterious) objects may exist in two or more states or places simultaneously—more like waves than particles and governed by a “quantum wave function”. This property of multiple coexisting possibilities, known as quantum superposition, persists until the superposition is measured, observed or interacts with the classical world or environment. Only then does the superposition of multiple possibilities “reduce”, “collapse”, “actualize”, “choose” or “decohere” to specific, particular classical states. Early experiments seemed to show that even if a machine measured a quantum superposition, the multiple possibilities persisted until the machine’s results were observed by a conscious human. This led leading quantum theorists including Bohr, Heisenberg and Wigner to conclude that consciousness caused quantum state reduction, that consciousness “collapsed the wave function” (the “Copenhagen interpretation”, reflecting the Danish origin of Nils Bohr, its leading proponent). = from http://www.quantumconsciousness.org/Whitehead.htm

(Text colored added by me).

Reduce, Collapse, Actualize, Choose or Decohere = all mean SINGULATION!!!!

Old stuff

I think old anything just doesn't go away, for me. Take old pain - pain from being hurt, pain from being rejected, pain from un-obtainment of the un-obtainable.
MJ said "You were abandoned."...and I kinda fought that, coming up with various and sundry excuses for my Dad leaving me and my Mom. He couldn't handle it, drugs screwed it all up, etc. Do the reasons justify anything? Answering my own questions here - Yes, they help ease the pain and loneliness I feel, sorta. I also feel I still resent my Dad now, occasionally. I don't like the way he treats me, cuts me off, tells me to slow down, be quiet - projected shadows of himself, and a shadow relatedness of our father daughter relationship.
The interest and dependence in sex I will take part of the responsibility for though. I think some of my interest in sex is inherent - the other part (60/40%?) was my early exposure to what I consider a healthy view of sexuality, albeit an overwhelming view. I also think I used my interest in sex, which primarily manifested itself early on in the form of masturbation, to make myself feel better, and as an escape. As an young adult I mistook sex for love - I could hold a man with sex, but didn't have enough self worth or a high enough self-esteem to value myself w/o the sex in a relationship. What could I possibly give some guy except for the world's best blow job?
There have been very few men in my life that have cared enough about me to not have to have the sex part of our relationship take predominance - like Michael and Jim....and I'm still afraid and shy of looking inside myself too - too painful, too much hurt, too much sorrow contained therein.

More - related people and works to Singulation

Dean Radin = Theory of Entangled Minds
From his web site; " If you do not get schwindlig [dizzy] sometimes when you think about these things then you have not really understood it [quantum theory]. - Neils Bohr

One of the most surprising discoveries of modern physics is that objects aren't as separate as they may seem. When you drill down into the core of even the most solid-looking material, separateness dissolves. All that remains, like the smile of the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland, are relationships extending curiously throughout space and time. These connections were predicted by quantum theory and were called "spooky action at a distance" by Albert Einstein. One of the founders of quantum theory, Erwin Schrödinger, dubbed this peculiarity entanglement, saying "I would not call that one but rather the characteristic trait of quantum mechanics."

Ervin Laszlo = The Akashic Field
A quote; "To me it's very obvious that consciousness is not simply an epiphenomenon, not a byproduct of the brain; it's something that's pervading the whole universe. . . . Consciousness is not simply produced by a complex set of neurons. It's there, in the whole body, and in all of existence.”

Note to self: Investigate Singulation's relationship and potential convergence with Stoicism.

Trying

Tried to write a post to M this morning - didn't get very far before I was was crying and quite depressed.
I wondered in one of the drafts if he was the only true love left standing that hasn't lied to me - yeah, I think so, but asking someone if they ever lied to you is more than an ironically loaded question! I think I miss him because 1. I can never ever possess him, and 2. I assume he knows me better than myself.

The unobtainable is always the most amorous for me.

That's why the intellect reigns supreme - now who's gonna claim to be fantastically smart? Or incredulously knowledgeable?

From Gottlob Frege - "We really experience only (our mental) ideas, not their causes. And if the scientist wants to avoid all mere hypothesis, then he is just left with ideas: everything dissolves into ideas, even light rays (and) nerve fibers...from which he started. So he finally undermines the foundations of his own construction."

Our projections, longings, desires, are all intermixed - that is why synchronicity exists - it's the pre-dark matter of our existences coming together. Once singulation occurs - once reality is formed, begun - reality happens - explosive realizations, desires swelled and crested, images projected and fulfilled, and then it's gone. Reality (running on the inherent object's time length) becomes what's left over, spent; the birth of dark matter.

Poetry

My passion has been opened
cracked, like a coconut
or
like bees
swarming and gathering
fanatical, excited, coalescencing,
or
like the swoop and dive
of a flock of blackbirds
down
and around the the winter colored greenishness
of the millpond
or
like a can
(say of tuna)
prosaically grabbed and opened,
to be drained -
meant as nourishment, supplement.

Mored to an internal rhythm
that propels to a single source.

For me; different then them, yes -

it's you.

Fred Alan Wolf

FAW is so plain spoken he is eloquent. Reading Taking The Quantum Leap this week...

In talking about Bohr's Complimentary Principle and the wave-particle duality..."Is the momentum hidden when we measure the atom's position? Is the atom's location hidden when we measure the momentum?...Both of these attributes, momentum and position, are potentially present in nature, but not actually present, until an attempt is made ot measure these attributes. How we choose to compromise will determine...In a sense we never actually lose information. Rather, we shape it. That is, we alter potential reality, making it actual...this potential reality is available for our choosing. The 'experiences' we call reality depend upon how we go about making those choices. Every act we perform is a choice, even if we are unaware that we have made a choice."


"Yet when it comes to seeing ourselves, we are remarkably invisible. We haven't learned to see ourselves as others see us or as we see others. Whenever we observe, our part in that observation is seemingly minimized. Or, depending on our ego state, the opposite happens and our part in the process becomes blown out of proportion. While engaging in the act of observing, 'we' separate from that which we observe. In the very act of observation, the objective, 'real' world appears and the subjective observer vanishes. We know not how to observe ourselves.

"Objectivity takes its toll; the cost is your awareness of your awareness. But objectivity is only an illusion."

"We need to see the complementary side. We need to see our role in all of this. But this is not an easy task. It is difficult to give up our preconditioning. We are actively choosing the world each instant, and during that same instant, we are unaware that we are doing it. But our becoming aware of this simple truth can enable us to see the world's complementary side. "

And he ends in this chapter giving a great definition of singulation - "Your act of observation creates the choices...it is your act of observation that resolves the paradox."

Growth

Two things this morning:

1. What happened to me? Why am I so scared? What am I afraid of? Why am I so damn needy?

2. Lousy role models for love and sex. Can I truly say my parents loved each other or can I truly say my parents sexed each other? (That was a rhetorical question, obviously!)

How to F*%k up a relationship

How to f*** up

The preceding list of answers to questions about polyamory is not a guide to how to have a working polyamorous relationship, although we have strong anecdotal evidence that the tools mentioned are useful in all sorts of relationships, mono and poly. We do, however, have the following guide of carefully tested methods for making mistakes in polyamorous relationships. With proper application and ingenuity, these methods may impair or destroy monogamous relationships as well; they're truly multipurpose tools. We post this listing for your consideration; no liability expressed or implied.

1. Lie. This is basic and effective. To maximize bad results, lie about something important to the other person(s) and arrange to be caught in the lie in such a way as to produce maximum shock. Additional stress points awarded for keeping the lie going for a while before discovery, which increases the disorientation and sense of betrayal in the deceived person(s). Lying about sex gets double points. Lying about being married gets triple f***-up points. Creative lies of omission (i.e. "not telling") with fancy rationalizations and condescension get gold stars.

2. Avoid self-knowledge. This is more elegant than strategy 1, as it combines a bold sweep of denial with sorties of distraction aimed at oneself. This tactic is most effective when combined with tactics 3 and 4. Self-destructive or addictive behaviour has also been found very effective in avoiding self-knowledge by our researchers. When combined with an endearing attitude of helplessness, this strategy has been proven efficacious in attracting "rescuers" or "white knights" on whom one can then practice strategies 4 and 3, in that order.

3. Blame the other person(s). If anything went wrong, hey, it must be their fault, right? This eliminates the need for messy things like communication and negotiation, which can be embarrassing, particularly if one is using strategy 2.

4. Disclaim responsibility. This is a little more complex than strategy 3, and often includes what is referred to as "codependency". The classic way to play this strategy is to cater to the partner(s) involved while repressing one's own desires and questions. This allows a good head of resentment to build up, and one can justify anger by saying one has done so *much* for one's partner(s) and gets no thanks, etc. In its most refined state, this strategy makes the other person(s) responsible for setting the direction, pace and content of the relationship, for which one can them blame them if one's own expectations or needs are not met. Using strategy 2 to avoid knowledge of these expectations and needs gets double points.

5. Push. This is an art, albeit a crude one. When augmented with strategy 6, pushing can achieve spectacular negative results in even a short time. Remember, when pushing, only *your* satisfaction counts! It's a dog eat dog world, and you're a pit bull. Emotional and mental bullying can be as satisfying as old-fashioned physical coercion, and not nearly as easily prosecutable.

6. Play on insecurity. This is an old favorite. Using sexual insecurity as a weapon and combining this with strategy 5 is a four-star winner. Attempting to control one's partner(s) by manipulating them through their insecurities is a sure-fire f***-up tactic. It's so much more delicate than simply beating them up, too, though the resultant emotional damage can be remarkably similar.

7. Avoid intimacy. This may seem paradoxical; after all, we're talking about getting up-close and personal with as many hot bi babes -- er, ahem -- we're discussing achieving satisfyingly close relationships with a number of people, right? The trick of avoiding intimacy can be performed in several ways, but the easiest is to confuse intimacy with "rubbing slippery bits together". Substitute the words "sex" and "love" for each other often in conversations. Repeat the mantra, "If you loved me, you'd know what I want." Practice strategy 8 assiduously, supplementing it with strategy 2. According to the needs of the moment, figure out whether action or words are more likely to be ambiguous or misconstrued, and go with what gives you the most plausible deniability later. Some exceptionally talented individuals manage to give the impression of being intimate while successfully remaining stone-cold. Study sales techniques for pointers. People with good "lines" fall into this category, especially if the lines include explanations of how they truly *value* the other person.

8. Don't talk. Talking has been known to lead to communication if practiced carelessly. Communication will seriously impair your f***-up progress, and in certain cases will halt or reverse it entirely. If you *must* talk, use cliches and quotations from popular songs as much as possible, or fall back on strategy number 1.

If all else fails, make a safer-sex agreement with your partner(s) and then break it, contracting a communicable disease about which you do not then tell them. Double points for avoiding all discussion or negotiation of sexual matters entirely so that the "agreement" is wishful thinking and completely deniable. For a coup de grace, add strategy 6 and tell them it wouldn't have happened if they had been satisfying you like they were supposed to.

9. For the ultimate metaf***-up, remain technically faithful to your partner while breaking the spirit of whatever agreement you have whenever possible, keeping this knowledge bottled up to ensure maximum fear, shame and resentment. Some people win the grand prize with the figleaf-and-stinging-nettle cluster for self-inflicted suffering and wasted potential by managing to keep this strategy up until death do them part, concealing from their spouse the fact that they have been shamming happiness all these years.

More from my notebook....

I need to make a mind map of this soon, but for now I'll put it down sequentially...

Nature/Wholeness
Infinite
Abstract
Becoming

SINGULATION happens = Singulation is like J. Von Neumann's 'cut'
and this happens at the quanta level- atoms are formed


Time
Now in 4 dimensions
Finite
Separate
Being


All things begin with a wholeness and are continuous. Each thing has it's own inherent temporal relationship with the all. This all is nature.

After singulation, all things become mind, and are generated through time with their inherent duration, ie man lives approx 80 years, dog lives approx. 15 years, redwood tree lives approx 500 years, etc.

Arthur Young said, and I'm relating this to the process of singulation - "This makes action equivalent to freedom...What happens is a trigger effect occurring in the case of the human level at the subcellular level, at the level of the molecule..."
"But there are correlates to first causes within mathematics, one such correlate would be a 'singularity'. Singularities occur with complex coordinates...renders the function indeterminate..."


And lastly; I'm working on my claim that gravity is really a form of memory.

Truth

I think this song was done by C S N & Y...or maybe C S & N.

Driving out through the windmills
And some of them were still
Sometimes it's hard to catch the wind
And bend it to your will

Even though it's hard to know
Just how the story ends
The road is long and it takes its time
On that you can depend

Lay me down in the river
And wash this place some way
Break me down like sand from a stone
Maybe I'll be whole again one day

Lay me down, lay me down
Maybe I'll be whole again
Lay me down, lay me down
Maybe I'll be whole again

Somewhere between heaven and hell
A soul knows where it's been
I want to feel my spirit lifted up
And catch my breath again

Lay me down in the river
And wash this place away
Break me down like sand from a stone
Maybe I'll be whole again one day

Lay me down, lay me down
Maybe I'll be whole again
Lay me down, lay me down
Maybe I'll be whole again
Lay me down, lay me down
Maybe I'll be whole again one day

Ramp up - words

Envisaged - To conceive an image or a picture of, especially as a future possibility: envisaged a world at peace. To consider or regard in a certain way.

Cumbrous - Cumbersome.

Dumping out some notebook entries...

11/14/06
The ghost field - maybe is the intertwining and interaction of nature and consciousness - becoming, singulating, the means of which are inherent in any particular characteristics of BOTH the quantum potential and the outcome of the being at it's fruition.
Yes, then energy remains after singulation - in a quanta of light the photon is 'given off' then dark energy remains.
From Born's autobio = "Einstein said approx. that the waves are only there to show the way to the corpuscular light-quanta, and talked in this sense of a ghost field which determines the probability for a light quanta...to take a definite path. We owe to Born the beginning insight that (a mathematical symbol is here; looks like a capital Y) itself, unlike electromagnetic fields, has no direct physical reality."

April's Dream

Like all dreams, some parts and sequences are clearer than others....

I think we were staying in a French hotel, but it was close to the German border, if it was indeed in France. It was an older, 8 or 9 story brick building, but had that lovely European classical styling in its touches, like marble floors in the bathroom, and fine hand-built wood clothing chests in the dressing room. I think we were on the 5^th floor. We had checked in late the previous evening, coming to the hotel directly from a local restaurant that you had recommended we try for dinner. We had been drinking good French champagne (my favorite) that night too, during dinner, and had brought another bottle up to the room to share and savor more fully, together, alone.

When I first opened my eyes that morning, I remember feeling the sun shining heatedly near my feet at the end of the bed. It was blazingly bright sunshine, and it must have been in the springtime too, because the double-sided balcony doors were slightly open, and the pale grassy yellow gauze curtains, lined with white silk, were blowing open and wide from the breeze coming into the room. It was fresh and clear outside, with a beautiful blue sky peeking over and around the trees that lined the street in front of the hotel. From the position of the sun, it must have been near mid-day. There was a small bouquet of riotously yellow daffodils in a cobalt blue glass vase on the night stand, next to our empty champagne bottle.

I stretched out a little, waking up slightly, and noticed that you weren’t in the bed next to me. I straightened out the front of my black lace and satin chemise, and thought the bed and the sheets felt so nice, like good quality Egyptian cotton, and I pushed them down and aside as I curled up slightly, and turned toward the sunshine and the open doors. It was then that I heard your footsteps come across the room, and I felt you kneel down behind me on the bed.

Your hands and fingers were so warm when you reached and felt deep between my inner thighs that they almost all became one, and I felt my belly tighten as I drew in a deep breathe of pleasure at your probing. We stayed there for awhile, without moving much, as I continued to feel the almost imperceptible movements of your fingers inside me, and with every slight deviation, I grew more and more intensely sensitive to my sharpening desire to have you possess me. Finally, just when I was going to pull you around and towards me, I heard you say something, low, almost under your breath; in French? Or German? I turned slightly and looked into your eyes, asking what you had said. “You are ripe; ready for me”, you answered, as you started to caress me fully now, placing both your hands firmly around my hips, pushing the chemise up and over my waist, over my breasts. You got up on your knees, reaching down and cupping each of my breasts in turn with your hands, licking and softly biting my nipples, making a wider and wider arc with your tongue, moving up slowly to the shallow of my neck, kissing and softly biting me, as I arched my back and grew more responsive. I was breathing more heavily too, my lips moist and full, as you kissed me, our mouths meeting and our tongues intertwining. As you stopped and started kissing me again and again, I opened my eyes and saw the blatant desire for me flash across your face, and I tried to turn over and give my backside to you fully, but you stopped me, saying, no, I want to look at you, to see your face.

You entered me then, from half behind and half astride, my thighs parted slightly, you over me, above me.

I don’t much remember how long we stayed in that position making love, I only remember my building climax and it’s luscious surrender, the simultaneous unraveling of a languid sweetness overcoming me, glowing, expanding, radiating between the two of us, as you rose and fell over me. I heard your breathing quicken and saw your eyes close, seeing that look come across your face again and your brow tighten, feeling your exquisite and tender, almost pained tension, gather nearer to its release. You were beautiful in your passion for me, with me. At last I felt the larger shudder emanate from your entire body, as you pulled your glistening and ruby red cock out of me, and paused, holding it in your hand, letting it fall, as your seeds and their juices fell like midsummer raindrops on to and over the hollow of my belly and hip.....