20/20

I think the saying is: Hindsight is 20/20. Yeah. That's right. Why is that?

Sometimes my psyche is just a big backasswards vicious circle, it seems.
So I don't want to 'have' guys in my life that just want me for sex - so I don't - M, MJ, R, now V (who remains to be seen), all do the chaste approach, then w/ J it's all about sex (but in wolf's clothing).
So the alphabet soup crowd leaves me whining about nobility though - THEY (hehe) are forcing me to look inside myself and find my worth w/o sex - yikes! Really - to deal with the self-esteem issues, to see that I am intelligent (still don't think so at all), interesting (uh?), etc. But outside validation is only one small (er?) aspect of intrinsic self-worth - first and foremost, I have to believe in myself and see my own self-worth, as no amount of external v will ever be able to fill that gap...OK - this all sounds fine, so far...
Except I'm still hesitiating, still searching for a way to validate myself w/o having sex. (Which is, in a weird twisted way is both extremely egotistical of myself and debasing myself too)...I seem to like/want to entice myself and flog myself at the same time...thereby going back (in a backasswards way) to the 'most amorous' statement...

Oh - and did I mention that I was to be enthralled w/you too? That I want love to be idealized? That I work best in an idealized, forever being enticed relationship? John Bendix enticed me - I was going to travel to Europe w/him (one of my dreams!), he was very smart...and in the end, yikes!, he was a lying emotional cripple. (I would say I'm still hurt about J and I, as I usually am so polite not to mention his full name, etc. and today I said f*&k it instead).
Hah! LOL, with a snicker - maybe it's Mercury retrograde...