Insert melodramatic post title here

OK - so immediately I'm sure you get the impression I'm not in a very positive mood right now, and hey, you would be right! So why not blog-it-out, spread this shit around, let it fertilize others and hopefully let it go..;-0

Being creative. Staying creative. Those are the keys to maintaining my (and everyones I would strongly suppose) balance, and balance is important to being healthy. So when I get depressed (like today) I know I need to draw and dance and put something together in a creative way - even write, like now.
Check list:
I really want to talk this morning about why the unobtainable is the most amorous for me - (that's a statement I made a few months ago here).
How do you balance your projection vs. your reception in being an empath?
What does it mean when I start to cry around someone else? What are they touching on, inside me or inside them, that effects me so much - and in small answer to that, it's like a quick vision of the transcendally unobtainable appears and I get moved to tears...or i know I am very close to tears, a strong upwelling of emotional response, as the circumstances are different and the response is different too - but I feel like I could identify a current or a thread...In the car on Monday, sitting talking to MJ, I was babbling on about my last visit with V, and I 'caught' a feeling of MJ needing direct attention (I use that word loosely) and I shut myself down and started receiving his feelings...and soon enough I started to cry because I was feeling his feelings, I was just there, crying and what I felt was fairly deeply connected to him, while he talked, I KNEW he was in pain, he was feeling pain...But again, where does the line come in? The line between him and I? I know emotionally he is 'safe' and we are not involved - so he is, pretty much, the unobtainable (and seriously, I wouldn't want him overall and above anyway)....
So - my empathy is tied in some manner with my low self-esteem my thinks...
And with V, it happened the other night when we were at the Cosmopolitan, talking over dinner...I felt myself open up to him, just a little (I think we were talking about my being a single welfare mom and how bad things were for us when I was going to SRJC/SSU) and I got misty-eyed for a few moments,felt my emotional vulnerability show up and out (I'll have to ask V if he felt or noticed anything there/then.)
That time was a little different than with MJ, as I'm still getting to know V, and the trust thing for me makes me aloof and not so grounded in the here and now w/someone, sometimes, esp. at the beginning of a relationship.
(I still harbor great fears and tears that no one will love me unless I put out...that line of thinking follows the one of the self-confirming waterloo - sex is the great bond, but it's secular and illusive and fraught with pain and hurt...so I can achieve the oneness with sex, but then it's gone and isn't just for me anyway - guys give it to others WAY too easily...so my oneness becomes something that I thought was dependable and unique, and I wake up to find out it's not...

Sigh.

And I'm very intrigued with V's whole concept of domination and women - to quote (loosely) - All woman are doms, and most top from the bottom.
I think I agree with that, and see sex (from a angular view) as a power struggle and sometimes HUGE emotional game between men and woman, which is rarely discussed and dealt with on any level between them.
More on the V statement later.