Old stuff

I think old anything just doesn't go away, for me. Take old pain - pain from being hurt, pain from being rejected, pain from un-obtainment of the un-obtainable.
MJ said "You were abandoned."...and I kinda fought that, coming up with various and sundry excuses for my Dad leaving me and my Mom. He couldn't handle it, drugs screwed it all up, etc. Do the reasons justify anything? Answering my own questions here - Yes, they help ease the pain and loneliness I feel, sorta. I also feel I still resent my Dad now, occasionally. I don't like the way he treats me, cuts me off, tells me to slow down, be quiet - projected shadows of himself, and a shadow relatedness of our father daughter relationship.
The interest and dependence in sex I will take part of the responsibility for though. I think some of my interest in sex is inherent - the other part (60/40%?) was my early exposure to what I consider a healthy view of sexuality, albeit an overwhelming view. I also think I used my interest in sex, which primarily manifested itself early on in the form of masturbation, to make myself feel better, and as an escape. As an young adult I mistook sex for love - I could hold a man with sex, but didn't have enough self worth or a high enough self-esteem to value myself w/o the sex in a relationship. What could I possibly give some guy except for the world's best blow job?
There have been very few men in my life that have cared enough about me to not have to have the sex part of our relationship take predominance - like Michael and Jim....and I'm still afraid and shy of looking inside myself too - too painful, too much hurt, too much sorrow contained therein.