Saturday, December 27, 2008

Moving, and thoughts about sleeping outside

We are moving next week!!!!!
I can't tell you how excited I am - AND, this morning, I had a thought about sleeping OUTSIDE in the garden area of our new place.
I'm holding tight to the thought of this place meeting lots of our needs; more square footage, a big and wonderful organic garden space, and last but not least - the house is located right across the street from the POOL. (The pool is only shared community-wide with about 25 families, so it's hopefully not going to crowded).

The always-has-been-all-organic garden area is very large - maybe a little more than a quarter of an acre? I am very happy to have a garden space again, as it's been a while (Greensboro had a small area where we planted tomatoes). But NOW I CAN PLANT A BIG GARDEN!

The location of the house is great for all of us, especially Erin, as she can walk to HS.

I woke up this morning thinking since the garden area is so big, I could pitch a tent and sleep outside. Erin and I were talking about going camping, and we needed to buy a tent too. I have very high expectations about how good it's going to be to be able to sleep outside - it feel the breezes and the winds, to keep the birds, to see the sun rise and feel much around me waking up, to notice the stars, the deep inky purple of the night sky...ahhhh, yes, I'm going to sleep outside at the new house.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Since I have nothing better to do...

New words:

1. op·pro·bri·um (-prbr-m)

Disgrace arising from exceedingly shameful conduct; ignominy.
Scornful reproach or contempt: a term of opprobrium.
A cause of shame or disgrace.


2. bumptiousness - cockiness, pushiness, forwardness (offensive boldness and assertiveness)

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Something's happening here...




What it is I'm not exactly sure...opps! Or whatever those Buffalo Springfield lyrics are! But something is going on here, and I'm not exactly sure what it is, so...

Why isn't MY blog a BLOG OF NOTE? On Blogger I mean...I'll have to nominate myself or something. Really now, my blog is worthy! I'm humble, articulate, intelligent; sounds all right for BLOG OF THE MONTH, uh? Screw Adriana Huffington, or whatever her name is!

On a completely different note, I have been remembering how when my family first moved to the Bay Area (summer of 1969), that we lived right on the Great Highway in SF - it was great back then; deserted beach, hardly any people, clean, sorta wild still - the Sunset district and the beach were far far away from the downtown city madness. I just walked over to the beach all the time, every day, sun or fog. I would walk at the water's edge, look for interesting rocks and shells that had washed up and onto the shoreline mostly, contemplate strange pieces of driftwood that certainly seemed to resemble some thing or character, walking or occasionally sitting, listening to the waves crash and tumble. It was so peaceful and today I realize that I needed to go there and let nature surround me and bring me back to myself, back to my senses. Being around nature relaxes me, makes me more centered; I know this sounds all cliche and all, but it's true!





Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Interesting ideas - # 2, 456, 909

Well, more than one more of them really...

1. Studying cloud seeding - there's something going on here

2. Traumatic brain injury or brain surgery rehab program - based on restoring critical limbic functioning via emotional re-training

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Another dream...

As in the real kind, the ones you have when you're sleeping...

R was behind in his bills ans payments and such, and we were struggling financially. I had twin babies, about 8 months old, and I was still nursing them. I really didn't know or understand how far behind in the bills R was until the big bad bill collector showed up and threatened to kill R and us really; the general feeling tone was we were all going to hell because R was behind in the bills. I was both furious and totallyfreaked out - and on top of all this was the immanent threat of a very dangerous and terrible weather event - cyclone, hurricane, something undefined visually or verbally, but bad, scary, dangerous - and it was coming closer all the time!

(This was the second part of the dream, kinda...as I woke up, went to the bathroom, got a drik of water and then went back to bed, and THEN went back into the same dream, with the story line somewhat morphed, but in tact nonetheless...)

In the first part of the dream, of course I was so mad at R! And I decided I would handle it myself, I would pay off the freaking bill collector and then it would all be taken care of - R was an idiot anyway!!! But because I had the twins and the storm was most certainly coming, I couldn't seem to find my checkbook, or the paperwork to the other bills (I wanted to find these so I could throughly and completely! track-back to where the financial screw-ups started, or everything seemed so desparately in disarray that I couldn't find anythig. The situation intensified as the bill collector kept coming around, and I would sense it in my gut that he was around; hiding in the bushes or shadows, I would spy him from inside our big coastside cottage and get really scared! But he was sorta attractive though, and in my gut I knew that if I couldn't get it together to pay the bill off, find my checkbook and write him a check at the last minute, I could make some arrangeemnt with him to make things all better.

So the second part of the dream ended very dramatically, even nearly catastrophically; with the heavy rain and black mud pouring down the terraces outside the cottage, the sky dark and the wind tormentingly howling. The big bad bill collector guy continued snooping around outside the house waiting to kill R, attack the family, and I couldn't ever find my paperwork to pay off the damn bill; what I did find was soaking wet and virtually unreadable...He finally did come in the house and I looked him right in the eye and pleaded with him; I made a pact with the devil right then and there - I KNEW he wouldn't kill me or the twins, and even though I might very well live in servitude to this guy for the rest of my life, I would be alive.

Friday, July 18, 2008

lake tahoe




Went to absolutely idyllically beautiful Lake Tahoe recently...I didn't take these photos but this is what is looked like up there (North Lake Tahoe area)...

Back to singulation

Singulation happens on two planes:
1. Physical
2. Emotional

The COMBINED by-product of this is dark energy (which is why there is so much of it)

After singulation occurs, 'things' either become clogged together energy (thanks Vance!) and have weight/mass (depending on the atomic structure of the atoms). This plane is a timed sequence event.
OR
After singulation occurs (or in this instance, as it occurs) singulation of the emotional or non-corporal type produces synchronicities or healing of two kinds: Intentional and Non-Intentional. This is not timed, or is beyond time.

Further explanations:

Emotions are internal 'ether'. Experience (our movement through time and space) singulates them. Emotions are predominately archetypes.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Summer

Summer
I've felt like writing lately and it seems like there has been no end to the small but problematic obstacles that have been tossed up by fate and gotten in the way - for example: I don't have a writing instrument on or with me (How can I not have a pen in one of my purses/bags!?!)

Any who - I'm here now.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Emotions to big for words oh


I think I took this picture of Dad, with my Nikon. I think we were living on the Great Highway at the time - and I also think that Dad was going down to Peru, or maybe he had just come back...so the time frame would have been 1971 ish...

I really like this picture, always have. You can see the twinkle in Dad's eye very clearly. And what a smile, uh?

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Damn It!


I have no excuses any more since my parents are both dead now - maybe I'm just a simple asshole; no, asshole is not the right word. Maybe I'm a...maybe I'm a...maybe I'm a...

Stupid
Dunderhead
Phony


And on a even less congenial note - I finally wrote back to M telling him how Dad's death had brought up a lot of shit for me regarding all my relationships w/men, and all I was trying to do was, really!, just thank him for expressing his condolences and tell him how I was feeling about him specifically (in a nutshell - terrible, confused, remorseful).

I keep coming back to the idea that NO relationships work out - we all are like ships passing in the night. Everyone has there own agenda, their own issues, their own understandings, and most importantly of all - everyone has their own TIME (frame).

It's a wonder we all can even communicate the simplest idea to one another, let alone complex emotions.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Lots about Dad



Wow - don't call me slow.

After a big row with Y yesterday evening, I awoke thinking how BOTH my parents died penniless and dependent. BOTH of the them were involved with someone who I thought then (and more so with age) was primarily emotionally dysfunctional, and interestingly enough, they were BOTH opposites of each other. K was a weak and totally drug dependent wimp. Y is an over-controlling dominate bitch. Y was with my Dad, and K was with my Mom. Hummmmmmmm....
Male dependent/female dominate, Female dependent/male dependent (if I have this right...)

Lots to contemplate as we approach Dad's memorial service this Sunday, and all I can state unequivocally today is that I will not hold my tongue any more while Y let's loose her destructive and hurtful rattle. Sorry - I just can't do it any more. I cut loose K years ago - wrote him off, needing so badly to get out from under the influence of his perverseness.

Oh and - over the weekend we had a fantastic Salon. Shelly, Jeffery, and Eric came in from out of town (they were here to present at a conference). Adam/Stanley showed up too. Sandy came by and brought a letter from Brice (Woody) -another Wow, as I totally forgot about Brice. And in the letter he referred to Dad being in the Ohio State penitentiary, and sure enough, just that small verbal jog triggered a few memories for me; memories of going to my Grandma's and then driving over to the penitentiary to visit my Dad. I remember once driving with someone else too - maybe Henry Hudson?
Speaking of which; here's a list of all the old Cleveland folks :-) hopefully some of them will come to the service -

Eric Pricsler (called Lee (first name) sometimes)
Jeffery Kessler (Hiriam Strait)
Sheldon Rosen
The Speths - Sher, Jeffery
Stan Barker
Stu Wagner and MaryHelen
Henry Hudson
David King
Steve Massero
George Briggs
Bruce Martin
Joe and Rosie Stern
Chuck Shane
Robert Crumb

Monday, March 24, 2008

TTD

(The title is my shorthand notion for Things To Do)

1. Make, keep, and be more of a friend. I woke up this morning thinking that I have no 'real' idea about friendship, the how part specifically. Most of my 'friends' have been men, and we all know where and what that has led me to.

2. Get out and do more! Quit spending so much time and $ shopping - no amount of anything exterior is going to replace/repair/re-invent your emotions, your energies, your life.

3. Spend more time with my kids. 'Nuff said.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Bennett James Hassink 1926-2008


Bennett James Hassink, passed along in Berkeley, CA on Monday February 25th (Lamat Star 8), 2008, at the age of 81, from congestive heart failure.

He was born in Cleveland, Ohio in March 1926, where he was married to Mildred Pugh. Bud and Millie could be considered one of the early ‘bohemian’ couples during the early 1960s. Millie, a talented artisan and jeweler, bore him his first daughter March. Their home on Wadena St in East Cleveland was always full of interesting people- listening to electronically combined sounds and bits of recorded music that Bud mixed on reel-to-reel tapes, with lots of conversations, philosophical discussions, chess games. The music Bud made was far ahead of the synthesizer music and sounds on the 70s, and it had an ethereal yet melodic quality. He was routinely involved in the Cleveland music scene. Bud regularly brought his daughter, March, to the local be-ins in the park, and then went backstage at the La Cave Club to meet some of the musicians who regularly played there, such as the Velvet Underground and Janis Ian. Bud came to the SF bay area in the mid-60s. He was an early member, along with his good friend Ron Thelin, of the SF Diggers. Together the Diggers went on to start The Free Clinic and Food Services for Poor Youth in San Francisco. Bud hung out in the SF bay area during the height of the counter-culture movement, befriending many – Peter Coyote, some of the members of the Grateful Dead, Jefferson Airplane, etc.

Bud received a part in the film “The Last Movie” with Dennis Hopper, Michelle Philips, and Peter Fonda, which was filmed in Peru and released in 1971. He played a cowboy that was a member of Billy’s Gang.

Another life changing event was to happen in 1970, when Bud was staying with friends in Mendocino Co. and was shot by an acquaintance, 5 times at close range, with a large handgun. The details of exactly what happened that night never really emerged, but Bud miraculously survived. He always said afterwards that he didn’t hold anything against the person who shot him, and thought that the shooting had given him a second chance at life - that he was indeed reborn.

By 1973 Bud settled down in Berkeley, in the Elmwood District. He met Alice Meyers in this area, and his second daughter, Cebelle was born in 1975. He worked for many years for the Berkeley public schools supervising the playground during lunch time and recess, reading to the children from the Great Books program in the Library, helping kindergartners open their milk, helping them all find their way around the school, nursing their little hurts and truly befriending the youngsters. He made a huge impact on many young lives as evidenced by the number of young adults who would visit the Book store to say hello to Bud and tell stories of how he took care of them in their elementary school days.

During this same time, Bud was a frequent regular at Ozzie’s Soda Shop at the corner of College and Russell. He could often be found there with his good friend Ed Lindsey, sipping on chocolate malt and discussing the day’s events. Their meetings and the regular attendance at the Soda Shop was even chronicled in a book on the history of the Elmwood District.

From 1985 to the present, Bud worked at Lewin’s Metaphysical Bookstore on Ashby Ave. Literally hundreds of people, both regular and new customers of the bookstore, would stop by to say hello, buy a book, or most affectionately, have an interesting and dynamic conversation with Bud on an incredible variety of topics. On the days he wasn’t in the bookstore, he would attend the Arthur Young’s Institute presentations or UC Berkeley academic colloquiums and engagements.

In April of 1991, Bud traveled with his friend Alvin Warwas to the Yucatan peninsula in Mexico. There they visited the Mayan ruins and sites, as Bud was keenly interested in the historic development of the Mayan Calendar. Dzibilchaltun was a particularly important town to Bud that they visited. Recent visitors to the bookstore would usually be asked when their birthday was so Bud could look up their symbol, or glyph, for the Mayan ritual cycle, and then help them read and understand what the cycle symbol meant. Bud was indeed, in many more ways than any of us really knew, a WorldBridger


Surviving Bud is March Hajre-Chapman, daughter of Mildred Pugh, and Cebelle Hassink, daughter of Alice Bosworth Meyers, and his long-time partner, Yvonne Lewin.

A celebration of Bud’s life will be held on Sunday March 30th, 2008, at 2247 Ashby Avenue, Berkeley starting at 12 noon, with a tribute in his honor at 1pm.

Friday, February 29, 2008

My Dad



My father passed along Feb. 25th, at around 8:50pm. He was in a nursing facility, Elmwood, and besides the congestive heart failure, he had had an extensive stroke on Feb. 14th, Valentine's Day.

The photo was from a Saturday Salon, and that's my Dad on the right, in the red sweater.

I'm incredibly sad, and words really don't help me describe what my father meant to me.

Monday, January 14, 2008

projection (maybe again)

HOW freaking much of my feelings about my relationships and my interactions with a wide variety of people (mostly men of course) was projection!!??You know - good old fashioned I see3 this in someone else, but in another (very close!) reality, it's more to the point of I want this from this person and I'm going to think/act/feel like that feeling i want is coming from them, instead of me.
We need a definition here..."In psychology, psychological projection (or projection bias) is a defense mechanism in which one attributes to others one’s own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts or/and emotions. Projection reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the unwanted subconscious impulses/desires without letting the ego recognize them. The theory was developed by Sigmund Freud and further refined by his daughter Anna Freud, and for this reason, it is sometimes referred to as "Freudian Projection". (thanks Wikipedia)

And it's a defense mechanism too, so what was I defending against? I think I was defending against being hurt, because I felt my mom and dad (more so my father) did not love me.

How do you tell anything about our own feelings when so much of human interaction is related, conjoined, tied together, pre-singulation and post-singulation?

I ppick up on so many feelings, thoughts, realities, etc. with and around others. I never saw myself as the sensitive Pisces until recently, seeing quite clearly that my sensitivity coupled with my intensity got me involved in quite a few more interesting situations and relationships. again, esp. with men.

I had a dream last night that Jolly and I had a great big fight (quite literally) and that after my realization that by her being taller than me, stronger than me and she could hurt me!, I had to agree to give up seeing Michael..

Many times (lately) I believe that w/o my will and ambition I would have never accomplished anything - maybe my drive was another form of escape uh?

Friday, January 11, 2008

Words

Because I routinely mispronounce my new 'big words'...



In case you missed it. Here is the Washington Post 's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee! intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.