I think I took this picture of Dad, with my Nikon. I think we were living on the Great Highway at the time - and I also think that Dad was going down to Peru, or maybe he had just come back...so the time frame would have been 1971 ish...
I really like this picture, always have. You can see the twinkle in Dad's eye very clearly. And what a smile, uh?
I have no excuses any more since my parents are both dead now - maybe I'm just a simple asshole; no, asshole is not the right word. Maybe I'm a...maybe I'm a...maybe I'm a...
Stupid
Dunderhead
Phony
And on a even less congenial note - I finally wrote back to M telling him how Dad's death had brought up a lot of shit for me regarding all my relationships w/men, and all I was trying to do was, really!, just thank him for expressing his condolences and tell him how I was feeling about him specifically (in a nutshell - terrible, confused, remorseful).
I keep coming back to the idea that NO relationships work out - we all are like ships passing in the night. Everyone has there own agenda, their own issues, their own understandings, and most importantly of all - everyone has their own TIME (frame).
It's a wonder we all can even communicate the simplest idea to one another, let alone complex emotions.
Wow - don't call me slow.
After a big row with Y yesterday evening, I awoke thinking how BOTH my parents died penniless and dependent. BOTH of the them were involved with someone who I thought then (and more so with age) was primarily emotionally dysfunctional, and interestingly enough, they were BOTH opposites of each other. K was a weak and totally drug dependent wimp. Y is an over-controlling dominate bitch. Y was with my Dad, and K was with my Mom. Hummmmmmmm....
Male dependent/female dominate, Female dependent/male dependent (if I have this right...)
Lots to contemplate as we approach Dad's memorial service this Sunday, and all I can state unequivocally today is that I will not hold my tongue any more while Y let's loose her destructive and hurtful rattle. Sorry - I just can't do it any more. I cut loose K years ago - wrote him off, needing so badly to get out from under the influence of his perverseness.
Oh and - over the weekend we had a fantastic Salon. Shelly, Jeffery, and Eric came in from out of town (they were here to present at a conference). Adam/Stanley showed up too. Sandy came by and brought a letter from Brice (Woody) -another Wow, as I totally forgot about Brice. And in the letter he referred to Dad being in the Ohio State penitentiary, and sure enough, just that small verbal jog triggered a few memories for me; memories of going to my Grandma's and then driving over to the penitentiary to visit my Dad. I remember once driving with someone else too - maybe Henry Hudson?
Speaking of which; here's a list of all the old Cleveland folks :-) hopefully some of them will come to the service -
Eric Pricsler (called Lee (first name) sometimes)
Jeffery Kessler (Hiriam Strait)
Sheldon Rosen
The Speths - Sher, Jeffery
Stan Barker
Stu Wagner and MaryHelen
Henry Hudson
David King
Steve Massero
George Briggs
Bruce Martin
Joe and Rosie Stern
Chuck Shane
Robert Crumb
(The title is my shorthand notion for Things To Do)
1. Make, keep, and be more of a friend. I woke up this morning thinking that I have no 'real' idea about friendship, the how part specifically. Most of my 'friends' have been men, and we all know where and what that has led me to.
2. Get out and do more! Quit spending so much time and $ shopping - no amount of anything exterior is going to replace/repair/re-invent your emotions, your energies, your life.
3. Spend more time with my kids. 'Nuff said.
Bennett James Hassink, passed along in Berkeley, CA on Monday February 25th (Lamat Star 8), 2008, at the age of 81, from congestive heart failure.
He was born in
Bud received a part in the film “The Last Movie” with Dennis Hopper, Michelle Philips, and Peter Fonda, which was filmed in Peru and released in 1971. He played a cowboy that was a member of Billy’s Gang.
Another life changing event was to happen in 1970, when Bud was staying with friends in Mendocino Co. and was shot by an acquaintance, 5 times at close range, with a large handgun. The details of exactly what happened that night never really emerged, but Bud miraculously survived. He always said afterwards that he didn’t hold anything against the person who shot him, and thought that the shooting had given him a second chance at life - that he was indeed reborn.
By 1973 Bud settled down in Berkeley, in the Elmwood District. He met Alice Meyers in this area, and his second daughter, Cebelle was born in 1975. He worked for many years for the Berkeley public schools supervising the playground during lunch time and recess, reading to the children from the Great Books program in the Library, helping kindergartners open their milk, helping them all find their way around the school, nursing their little hurts and truly befriending the youngsters. He made a huge impact on many young lives as evidenced by the number of young adults who would visit the Book store to say hello to Bud and tell stories of how he took care of them in their elementary school days.
During this same time, Bud was a frequent regular at Ozzie’s Soda Shop at the corner of College and Russell. He could often be found there with his good friend Ed Lindsey, sipping on chocolate malt and discussing the day’s events. Their meetings and the regular attendance at the Soda Shop was even chronicled in a book on the history of the Elmwood District.
From 1985 to the present, Bud worked at Lewin’s Metaphysical Bookstore on Ashby Ave. Literally hundreds of people, both regular and new customers of the bookstore, would stop by to say hello, buy a book, or most affectionately, have an interesting and dynamic conversation with Bud on an incredible variety of topics. On the days he wasn’t in the bookstore, he would attend the Arthur Young’s Institute presentations or UC Berkeley academic colloquiums and engagements.
In April of 1991, Bud traveled with his friend Alvin Warwas to the Yucatan peninsula in Mexico. There they visited the Mayan ruins and sites, as Bud was keenly interested in the historic development of the Mayan Calendar. Dzibilchaltun was a particularly important town to Bud that they visited. Recent visitors to the bookstore would usually be asked when their birthday was so Bud could look up their symbol, or glyph, for the Mayan ritual cycle, and then help them read and understand what the cycle symbol meant. Bud was indeed, in many more ways than any of us really knew, a WorldBridger
A celebration of Bud’s life will be held on
My father passed along Feb. 25th, at around 8:50pm. He was in a nursing facility, Elmwood, and besides the congestive heart failure, he had had an extensive stroke on Feb. 14th, Valentine's Day.
The photo was from a Saturday Salon, and that's my Dad on the right, in the red sweater.
I'm incredibly sad, and words really don't help me describe what my father meant to me.
HOW freaking much of my feelings about my relationships and my interactions with a wide variety of people (mostly men of course) was projection!!??You know - good old fashioned I see3 this in someone else, but in another (very close!) reality, it's more to the point of I want this from this person and I'm going to think/act/feel like that feeling i want is coming from them, instead of me.
We need a definition here..."In psychology, psychological projection (or projection bias) is a defense mechanism in which one attributes to others one’s own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts or/and emotions. Projection reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the unwanted subconscious impulses/desires without letting the ego recognize them. The theory was developed by Sigmund Freud and further refined by his daughter Anna Freud, and for this reason, it is sometimes referred to as "Freudian Projection". (thanks Wikipedia)
And it's a defense mechanism too, so what was I defending against? I think I was defending against being hurt, because I felt my mom and dad (more so my father) did not love me.
How do you tell anything about our own feelings when so much of human interaction is related, conjoined, tied together, pre-singulation and post-singulation?
I ppick up on so many feelings, thoughts, realities, etc. with and around others. I never saw myself as the sensitive Pisces until recently, seeing quite clearly that my sensitivity coupled with my intensity got me involved in quite a few more interesting situations and relationships. again, esp. with men.
I had a dream last night that Jolly and I had a great big fight (quite literally) and that after my realization that by her being taller than me, stronger than me and she could hurt me!, I had to agree to give up seeing Michael..
Many times (lately) I believe that w/o my will and ambition I would have never accomplished anything - maybe my drive was another form of escape uh?
Because I routinely mispronounce my new 'big words'...
In case you missed it. Here is the Washington Post 's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The winners are:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee! intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
Yes, it's only been a few weeks since my last post and I'm definitely feeling the need to write!
Here's some journal entries from the past few weeks too...(entry dates are in reverse order (hey, I feel a little crazy today!)
12/18/07
I think I've tied the knot on M, really. Of course I would see him again, but I think we both know it's finally able to rest. I love him, thank him for so much, and wish him the very best in all things, and that last part I've said many times in many ways, but here it's not meant with any sarcasm.
And after months and months of dejected depression, philosphically speaking, I feel like love might be able to be resurrected. We always have beauty to remind us, no matter how terribly our relationships go, how faulty our systems become, how debase our existence is sometimes, we *always* have art and beauty, and originality.
Platonic Truths/Forms
1. Beauty
2. Originality
3. Truth
4. Love
5. Compassion
12/14/07
Every dream (lately) seems to be so projection shadow. Like last night's dream - dreamed about R having sex with Dan (of all people!) I watched, it turned me on, but I had real trouble reaching orgasm - or at least my orgasms don't seem to be as quick - (I think I expect myself to be really fast and quick like I have been all my life).
Anyway - I thought this dream was pure projection because when all the women were dancing at the work party last night I thought (very consciously) about how hot they all moved in their bodies and how much I really am attracted to women in general. G was just so damn cute and hot! I was smoking! S was tantalizing!
I think that little sexual tease got turned around in dream world - to R having sex with another guy, as opposed to me having sex w/another woman - and that I believe is some form of projection to get turned around like that.
12/9/07 Monday (I think)
Been quite fixated on this there-are-92-really-112-atoms knowledge and how it relates to singulation and more importantly, originality. So everything that is physical (material) can be broken down into one or more of those atoms - the combo of atoms creates molecules and this then is really everything material and physical - all from 92 atoms (give or take a few!)!
12/4/07
I don't like how I 'am' but I've learned to deal with it nowadays. I'm both independent and dependent, I'm both feminine and masculine - I seem to be mostly polarized and opinionated. But I'm pretty smart too - I think. I want so badly to be loved and yet I don't want to be possessed.
On another note:
I want to do something that creates beauty. I want to have a hand in bringing more beauty into the world. Something with me working with nature, with the visual...maybe something in photography.
Later:
What M has given me is the opportunity to learn about myself, to know how I am, what I want, what I don't want, and he did it w/o possessing me or controlling me - gave me a chance to be me. The difference between R and M is that by changing or figuring stuff out I hurt R sometimes but with M I'm not involved with him so I don't hurt me by just being me.
Would it be possible to have that freedom w/o being in a 'relationship'?
11/28/07
Is the eco-movement inherently classist?
Is the return/resurrection/rebirth of the spiritual/sacred in the ecology movement, the Greenpeace movement, the eco-social movement, never to succeed and/or convert others to the 'movement' except at a WASP level?
What about hispanics in the inner-city barrios - is the eco-movement real and important to them? How can it be real to them?
Do we have to have buy-in from a larger economic and class section of the population to succeed as movement or change instrument?
I just finished reading a cute little book that A gave me; Uncle Albert and the Quantum Quest by Russell Stannard.
One of the things that struck me was the fact that there is approx. 92 atoms (The basic component of all matter. The atom is the smallest particle of an element that has all of the chemical properties of that element. Atoms consist of a nucleus of protons and neutrons surrounded by electrons.)
that we know of...(BTW, I think the atom count is now 112!)
and that EVERYTHING we have materially, everything we physically can touch, hold, etc., our physical reality in effect, comes from a combination of those atoms, which are of course called molecules (The smallest particle into which a substance can be divided without changing its chemical properties. A molecule of an element consists of one atom, or two or more atoms that are alike. A molecule of a compound consists of two of more different atoms.)
This is basic science mind you, but the book presented this mundane fact in new light, and made emphasis on what an incredible fact this was for how the world (and our reality) is made and perceived...Just think about it...everything that you touch today is some phenomenal combination of *just* 92 atoms!
That's just WOW.
What is the impact of foreign monies being invested into large US corporations/businesses?
Such as - http://biz.yahoo.com/ap/071127/wall_street.html
It just doesn't set well....
Or millennium vs baby boomer...in regards to investing or stock growth potential.
Key is analyzing who owns the company (not the capital investors), who runs it, the age range (generation) of the folks that are owners.
Millenium interests, with support - nanotechnology, biomedical nanotechnology
Baby Boomers - ecological, recycling
What would it take to get me out from behind my computer? What employment opportunity might be available so I can do more 'meaningful' work? So I'm not just an admin. type paper-pusher - I want to have a job that satisfies me on the inside, in my heart, and lets me use my intuition more, involves the free use of my intelligence, some work that involves right and just and moral interactions, including interactions with nature...
What kind of work would that be?
