projection (maybe again)

HOW freaking much of my feelings about my relationships and my interactions with a wide variety of people (mostly men of course) was projection!!??You know - good old fashioned I see3 this in someone else, but in another (very close!) reality, it's more to the point of I want this from this person and I'm going to think/act/feel like that feeling i want is coming from them, instead of me.
We need a definition here..."In psychology, psychological projection (or projection bias) is a defense mechanism in which one attributes to others one’s own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts or/and emotions. Projection reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the unwanted subconscious impulses/desires without letting the ego recognize them. The theory was developed by Sigmund Freud and further refined by his daughter Anna Freud, and for this reason, it is sometimes referred to as "Freudian Projection". (thanks Wikipedia)

And it's a defense mechanism too, so what was I defending against? I think I was defending against being hurt, because I felt my mom and dad (more so my father) did not love me.

How do you tell anything about our own feelings when so much of human interaction is related, conjoined, tied together, pre-singulation and post-singulation?

I ppick up on so many feelings, thoughts, realities, etc. with and around others. I never saw myself as the sensitive Pisces until recently, seeing quite clearly that my sensitivity coupled with my intensity got me involved in quite a few more interesting situations and relationships. again, esp. with men.

I had a dream last night that Jolly and I had a great big fight (quite literally) and that after my realization that by her being taller than me, stronger than me and she could hurt me!, I had to agree to give up seeing Michael..

Many times (lately) I believe that w/o my will and ambition I would have never accomplished anything - maybe my drive was another form of escape uh?

Words

Because I routinely mispronounce my new 'big words'...



In case you missed it. Here is the Washington Post 's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee! intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Need to write...or, No se puede vivir sin amor

Yes, it's only been a few weeks since my last post and I'm definitely feeling the need to write!

Here's some journal entries from the past few weeks too...(entry dates are in reverse order (hey, I feel a little crazy today!)

12/18/07
I think I've tied the knot on M, really. Of course I would see him again, but I think we both know it's finally able to rest. I love him, thank him for so much, and wish him the very best in all things, and that last part I've said many times in many ways, but here it's not meant with any sarcasm.

And after months and months of dejected depression, philosphically speaking, I feel like love might be able to be resurrected. We always have beauty to remind us, no matter how terribly our relationships go, how faulty our systems become, how debase our existence is sometimes, we *always* have art and beauty, and originality.

Platonic Truths/Forms
1. Beauty
2. Originality
3. Truth
4. Love
5. Compassion


12/14/07

Every dream (lately) seems to be so projection shadow. Like last night's dream - dreamed about R having sex with Dan (of all people!) I watched, it turned me on, but I had real trouble reaching orgasm - or at least my orgasms don't seem to be as quick - (I think I expect myself to be really fast and quick like I have been all my life).
Anyway - I thought this dream was pure projection because when all the women were dancing at the work party last night I thought (very consciously) about how hot they all moved in their bodies and how much I really am attracted to women in general. G was just so damn cute and hot! I was smoking! S was tantalizing!
I think that little sexual tease got turned around in dream world - to R having sex with another guy, as opposed to me having sex w/another woman - and that I believe is some form of projection to get turned around like that.


12/9/07 Monday (I think)

Been quite fixated on this there-are-92-really-112-atoms knowledge and how it relates to singulation and more importantly, originality. So everything that is physical (material) can be broken down into one or more of those atoms - the combo of atoms creates molecules and this then is really everything material and physical - all from 92 atoms (give or take a few!)!


12/4/07

I don't like how I 'am' but I've learned to deal with it nowadays. I'm both independent and dependent, I'm both feminine and masculine - I seem to be mostly polarized and opinionated. But I'm pretty smart too - I think. I want so badly to be loved and yet I don't want to be possessed.
On another note:
I want to do something that creates beauty. I want to have a hand in bringing more beauty into the world. Something with me working with nature, with the visual...maybe something in photography.
Later:
What M has given me is the opportunity to learn about myself, to know how I am, what I want, what I don't want, and he did it w/o possessing me or controlling me - gave me a chance to be me. The difference between R and M is that by changing or figuring stuff out I hurt R sometimes but with M I'm not involved with him so I don't hurt me by just being me.
Would it be possible to have that freedom w/o being in a 'relationship'?

11/28/07

Is the eco-movement inherently classist?
Is the return/resurrection/rebirth of the spiritual/sacred in the ecology movement, the Greenpeace movement, the eco-social movement, never to succeed and/or convert others to the 'movement' except at a WASP level?
What about hispanics in the inner-city barrios - is the eco-movement real and important to them? How can it be real to them?
Do we have to have buy-in from a larger economic and class section of the population to succeed as movement or change instrument?

Singulation and Originality

I just finished reading a cute little book that A gave me; Uncle Albert and the Quantum Quest by Russell Stannard.

One of the things that struck me was the fact that there is approx. 92 atoms (The basic component of all matter. The atom is the smallest particle of an element that has all of the chemical properties of that element. Atoms consist of a nucleus of protons and neutrons surrounded by electrons.)
that we know of...(BTW, I think the atom count is now 112!)
and that EVERYTHING we have materially, everything we physically can touch, hold, etc., our physical reality in effect, comes from a combination of those atoms, which are of course called molecules (The smallest particle into which a substance can be divided without changing its chemical properties. A molecule of an element consists of one atom, or two or more atoms that are alike. A molecule of a compound consists of two of more different atoms.)
This is basic science mind you, but the book presented this mundane fact in new light, and made emphasis on what an incredible fact this was for how the world (and our reality) is made and perceived...Just think about it...everything that you touch today is some phenomenal combination of *just* 92 atoms!

That's just WOW.

Dad as Rasputin?

or at least a feeble attempt....

What I'm thinking about - Part 1

What is the impact of foreign monies being invested into large US corporations/businesses?
Such as - http://biz.yahoo.com/ap/071127/wall_street.html

It just doesn't set well....

Old vs young (Random thoughts)

Or millennium vs baby boomer...in regards to investing or stock growth potential.
Key is analyzing who owns the company (not the capital investors), who runs it, the age range (generation) of the folks that are owners.

Millenium interests, with support - nanotechnology, biomedical nanotechnology

Baby Boomers - ecological, recycling

New work wanted

What would it take to get me out from behind my computer? What employment opportunity might be available so I can do more 'meaningful' work? So I'm not just an admin. type paper-pusher - I want to have a job that satisfies me on the inside, in my heart, and lets me use my intuition more, involves the free use of my intelligence, some work that involves right and just and moral interactions, including interactions with nature...

What kind of work would that be?

How could I forget, she...

innocently asked? It most probably was one of THE most important dreams I've had in quite some time!!! How did I forget to post it here?

Well, here:

I never felt loved.
I still (sometimes) don't.
I masturbated because it felt good, and it made me feel good, which not much else did.
My parents never gave me a 'role model' for a relationship.

I substituted sex for love, and now know that they have absolutely nothing to do with one another, except for lots of similarities - like they both feel good, get you stimulated, etc. But most importantly, one does NOT mean the other.

I'm so

f&*king melancholy sometimes uh? So full of angst and weltschmertz (as J might say)...
ya, I know.

I'm better today.

Family Legacies and letting go

I had a strong and seemingly meaningful dream last night - about M, the role of love in my life, and about letting go.
In essence, the dream detailed another futile attempt at M and I 'getting together', possibly reflecting both his most current offer (which I was unable to do because I was still moving), and the totality of our relationship...He had come over to visit or something like that, and I tried like hell to entertain him, amuse him, sexually interest him, etc. and his response was bland and reserved. I had the feeling that we both knew exactly what was the hidden agenda (we could not let go) , but like most times, it wasn't getting dealt with or talked about...and the most interesting part of this dream was it's illumination on M's situation - why he has been involved all these years, and what keeps him coming back for more...it wasn't exactly spelled out for me, but part of the message in the dream seemed to point out to me that M's role and it's resolution is just as important as mine...but M is most always as tip-lipped as a clam when it comes to his karma and our relationship (and of course he never utters the word karma)...It's definitely a sun/saturn moon/sun relationship.
Anywho - it was all about unrequited and unresolved emotions, mostly love, and him going through the motions of us being together, me trying like hell to get him to 'love' me, and just a general malaise of a semi-tragic relationship of opposites tied together with sex, karma and cultural stereotypes...I saw most of our relationship being me trying to get him to love me and the bottom line is that he just doesn't.
I woke up from this powerful dream crying, and said these words out loud to myself, almost as if those words were coming out of the dream images themselves - 'It's OK to let go'.

It's OK to let go.


It's OK to let go.


It's OK to let go.

M, again

It must be the retrograde Mercury....



Today,
I cling to the cornucopia of you like an insulated life jacket,
I'm adrift again,
the sky mimics all the gray grey, clouds moving into misty whiteness, shades and variations on bleak, dynamic, metamorphic; then sun,
then again
back to gray.

You were the shape of my intimate things to come,
you helped form the clay,
the sensualness of what became my art, in touching,
in the deep sexuality between us.

What did I know?
You were all I knew.
You were all I knew.

What did you know?
What did you know?

Good morning - Full Moon

Full Moon in Aries (Sun in Virgo) tonight.

I've been meaning to blog about the Saturday Salon with my Dad now for a while...here's the scene and the players.


The Players:
My Dad = The Elder Statesman

Me = The Madame

Dick = The Decider

Alvin = The Minister of Information

Erin = The Acolyte

Ken = The Librarian (or the Interloper)

Russ = The Counselor

Malcolm = The Jester

Kyle = The Crown Prince

The Setting:
Saturday afternoon, anywhere from 2pm until 3pm, the Salon is open.

Location:
King Yen Restaurant, 2995 College Ave, Berkeley, CA

Seems

Seems like it's been a month since I last posted!

Lunar eclipse drove me deep into dreamland last night; sexual dreaming, of course, about M and I. It was very intense and serious even though it was about lovemaking - he agreed to sleep with me again but only under the circumstances of me telling him exactly what kinds of things I wanted him to do to me, things I know would please me which in turn would please him - definitely a s/d dream but with a twist.

I just plain 'ol miss him. (Still semi-convinced here that I only want/miss the unobtainable)

On another note - I'm so freaking busy at work I have not had a spare minute to even think about singulation, well, hardly an extra minute. I do want to attempt some sort of creative expressive arts to describe it though - drawing, or painting? How do we visually describe complex abstract thoughts and ideas? (Mathematics are one way)

And I want to sign up for David Peat's class this semester - I'll see about doing that today.

d/s

It's clear to see that you're down to earth
With a hold on what your worth
Like no other
And I'd like to thank your mother for that

I bet ya there's a line outside your door
And it's a line I know for sure
That you don't want from me
Like a hole in your head

I want to be just you just me
No tricks, no show
But I got to let you know

I'm not waiting in line
I'm not changing my mind for you
I'm not wasting my time
I'm not waiting in line for you

Now I think if we got something started
We would both fall in whole hearted
I'm not like no other
And you can thank my mother for that

I'm sure there is a line in front of me
And it's a line I'm sure to need from you
Like a whole in my head

I want to be just you just me
No tricks, no show
But I got to let you know

I'm not waiting in line
I'm not changing my mind for you
I'm not wasting my time
I'm not waiting in line for you

I've been saving myself for you
But I'm not wasting my time for no one
Oh But if you want me to be
Baby I'll be rough enough
Baby I'll be tough enough
Oh you know I'm rich enough
But I wont be nobody's fool

I'm not waiting in line
And I'm not changing my mind for you
I'm not wasting my time
I'm not waiting in line for you

I'm not waiting in line
And I'm not changing my mind for you
I'm not wasting my time
I'm not waiting in line

Unless you want me to