Sexuality and Transcendence - ouch! Watch your touch!!

Background music for this post: Eminence Front - The Who

My sexuality, these days, is akin to quantum physics visual representation of a multiverse - multilayered, shimmering, dynamic..like the picture Susskind came up with during his lecture...and my sexuality is also power, and powerful, and illuminating my relationships...

So I have been wielding it as a weapon lately, but only en garding with those who have no sharp tip to return my thrusts...LOL! What's exactly up with that? (she asked with a raise of her eyebrows on the 'up' word in that sentence...)

And boy, am I feeling the swinging (oh - and there are so many layers of analogies in here, wow!) of the back and forth, higher and higher arc of the sexuality/sensuality pendulum swing - gaining strength and forthrightness with each pass to the come point...yeah. In other words, if you push your sexuality and your lust, desire, ardor, to higher and higher grounds and feats, do you get the reciprocal better and bigger orgasms in return? Does one eventually find the thing one is seeking? What is the relationship there, here, between stimulation and titillation and fulfillment?

I have pushed away all the sex - and thought I only wanted the love...and then I pushed away all the love, only thinking I wanted the sex...both pushes are too much, too pushed out, into, of a shape that I resemble.

I ONLY want the transcendence, really, in my soul of souls. And it doesn't seem to be obtainable with my wholly contradictory universe; my self.

John Butler Trio

Why do I deserve such a visit
From the one I thought I'd never meet.
Beyond my greatest expectations.
You exceeded everything.
Well here I am

Take me for what you see
For I'm transparent in the light of you.
And look inside,
See that fire burning bright
The same one you rekindled inside me

My mouth was dry
only you quenched my thirst
I thought I was last
You told me I was first.

And I thought I was seeing Angels
And now I know I was.
your wings around me
Feel good they always does .

So there I was
Ain't the same man I used to be
But do you still like what you in me.
For I am frightened
Shed so much I clung onto
The only thing I got left is this guitar and you.

Nowhere to run
Been out here too long
Under the sun.
Am I too afraid
To get some.
To afraid to give myself some shade
I hope and pray I do some day.

Belonging

Belonging

wanting to holy belong.

searching for the sense of self
in the wholly experienced
fulfilling
another in their eyes, their soul

looking out into the wide yawning cosmos
finding only my reflection
still
installed in the incommunicable.


Inside; transparent, motionless, transistory, hollow belonging
not oneness
incarnate
channeling what is not your own.

Am I always to be outside?
filled with longing
to belong.

Dividing up stuff still...

The Ascent of Science by Brian Silver is a great book! It's so sad too, that he died right before publication..(I think...)

String theory is stupid. Dismissed.

Chaos theory is where it's at - and it connects better with the mathematics side...

More later, and I fully realize I need to get on with this, and stop doing something else, but SE has been taking up a lot of my time lately, which may be coming to an end soon...we will have to see.

A symbol for the psyche

Crack in the egg

Thanks to A and D and of course, my Dad, for the ever fruitful Saturdays at Kin Yen, and the stimulating conversations :-)
They were giving me an especially challenging time yesterday - I wrote out the whole thing(s) on the back of an envelope....Better than a napkin? LOL!

Title too big to fit here....

new words:

1. apposite
2. ineffable (not really new, more just forgotten, and I do want to revive it because it's a beautiful word!)
(The rest are all from a few of Anthony Lane articles in recent (well, one is from '03) The NY'ers; I very much like his visual images and specifically taut treatment of words!) (I mean come on, AL is a damn wordsmith, listen to THIS: "You come away from the book wrung out, stretched between pity and exasperation, relieved that you didn't have to crouch in the blast area of Lowell's existence (though regretful that you weren't in his classes, at Boston University in the nineteen fifties and later at Harvard), and frankly amazed that any poetry at all, let alone great poetry, was able to emerge from the wreckage." ------WOW! That's visual writing!
3. encomium
4. implacably
5. jud(der)(ing)
6. obsequies
7. magniloquence (I think I already can figure out what this basically means, but I still wrote it down, as I am enamored with the way it sounds when spoken!)
8. quotidian (same as above)

Singulation - macro and micro

So the 'big bang' theory ala not just a singularity, a process of singulation - that the universe was created in an 'instant'/singularity- why could it not be the macro of the same thing that happens as micro level, in which reality is created/singulation?

MICRO	MACRO
Dynamic infrastructure	Newton's Laws
Atomic level - elements, atoms	Complex entities - humans, tables, trees
Faster	Slower
Probability math	Unified theory
Quantum mechanics	Einstein
Time speeds up?	Gravity

Is force a by-product of the move towards macro? Do only heavy/big things have/are effected by gravity? Is force an intrinsic by-product of singulation?
One the micro level we see forces instead of objects.

The truth, the other, and fire

I started telling the truth a few days ago. The truth shall set you free. The truth hurts.

I have to be authentic to myself, but I also realize that with autonomy and power and individuality comes afraidness and loneliness and pain and loss.

I dreamed last night that there were fires all around me and it was in structures(buildings) very close to me, and people that I cared about might perish or get hurt.

I feel like I leapt over/off that cliff, and damn it! my astrology reading is tonight! and I thought I could/should wait!!!!

What's up with the concept and aliveness and feeling of Eros, or passion? What does it mean and represent?

I think the 'other' is something that's hard-wired into me, through my Dad. My Mom held the shadow side of it, I think. It's about being into multiplicities and having the diversity (that's a nice way to put it March!) of many - never a dull moment! or maybe it's also about dualism and polarities - yeah! That rang a bell! Oh, and all this multiple stuff specifically in relationships...my mom and dad and keith and steve and alice and cebelle and evonne and me and al and and russ and morgan and kyle and erin...I don't see anything wrong with having multiple partners and numerous intimate relationships at the same time, basically. I learned it when I was born, grew up with it always, and fought it off/threw it away w/r, but you know, it's a part of me and I have to be honest about it and deal with it - because it's a part of me and I don't think it's going away.

So if this famous 'other' is really just a part of yourself....who is that other March? What's his or her name? What are they doing in your life?
So to see this other, be in touch with it, I almost need to look at me (the sun) and then take a look the shadow, the opposite? Does it always usually (perfect word choices there Sherlock!) have to be the opposite?

I feel a touch bit mad (like crazy mad) right now....

Two cool things this week -

1. Amazon.com's - Concordance option(s) for a book that you might be considering to read - really cool right-brain stuff!

2. Google Trends - Tracking everything in trends graph stats from sking to good/evil - way cool, but what exactly does it mean?

MORE new words

1. Ennui = boredom, teduim
http://wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=ennui
2.

Trust

Don't hold on but don't let go
I know it's hard
you've got to try to trust youself
I know it's hard, so hard....


Thanks to Kt Tunstall
http://www.kttunstall.net/

fling(ing)

Our emotions are interesting 'things'...Thinking about Jung and the collective archetypes...and philosophy, and me.
Right now I 'm feeling quite the fling machine - casting myself across the universe, (or, more specifically, some place in, let's say, Germany). My polarities are running strong; the whole Pisces Sun/Leo Moon thing is shining so brightly it's making my eyes and head hurt...I run so damn contrary.
Back to the emotions....How can someone experience such incredible variances and occurances within one's inner soul and not have any sensual (real/corporal) relationships in reality, manifest?
Words, and the emotions they can generate, are heady things...they have the power to afix a reality that may be only present in one's mind - nevertheless, a reality of sort. I run into real issues about that reality - what does it MEAN? What do those experiences, singular and static, have to do with the sensual/real? Are THEY real? Maybe it's just a 'wired the same way' thing - common bonds that you may find relate to another's bonds - what is the meaning of the commonality?
Why do I insist on finding meaning where none may exist? Why am I not happy to discover those emotions just within myself - looking instead always outward outside....to the other, to the hoped for transcendence with the other, instead of using them to transcend my only self?

I think Jung saw the result of living in this subject reality, way too far living in it, as a form of disease, mental disease - neurosis. But again, it's being to far out to one 'side' - too far into the emotions, as opposed to too far into the real/pragmatic - uncaring, hard, cold type of diseases.

What exactly is math?

Redwood trees and probability mathematics....

Still fresh from that 1/2 waking 1/2 sleeping state... and I'm channeling again.

Unified theory is for singulation, and probability math/theory, and maybe quantum stuff, for the the very complex and multiple. Quantum theory is not at odds with a unified view, it's more on a continum.
Evolution of things are in here too...like redwood trees.

I have to go take my remedy and make some coffee - more soon.


And thanks for J for being a recent catalyst, somehow :-)

no title for right now...

New words this week:

1. Argot - kinda like a special language? "A specialized vocabulary or set of idioms used by a particular group: thieves' argot. "
Damn, I'm good!

2. Smarmy - I love this word!!!

1. Hypocritically, complacently, or effusively earnest; unctuous.
   
2. Sleek.

Well, that brings up another juicy sounding word - unctuous. OK - we need to add that;

2A. Unctuous -

1. Characterized by affected, exaggerated, or insincere earnestness: “the unctuous, complacent court composer who is consumed with envy and self-loathing” (Rhoda Koenig).
2. Having the quality or characteristics of oil or ointment; slippery.
3. Containing or composed of oil or fat.
4. Abundant in organic materials; soft and rich: unctuous soil.

3. Eponymous - Not what I thought it meant at first..."Of, relating to, or constituting an eponym." which in turn leads us to - eponym, which is defined as -

1. A person whose name is or is thought to be the source of the name of something, such as a city, country, or era. For example, Romulus is the eponym of Rome.
2. Medicine. A name of a drug, structure, or disease based on or derived from the name of a person.

4. Concupiscence - sounds like some kink-related disease...."A strong desire, especially sexual desire; lust."
That must have been projection!