Recent dream 6 - My dad

I saw my Dad! He came back from the dead, and it was sorta some magic that we (A, a bit of Y, and my family) to get him here, but it worked. He was sitting on a stool which was up higher that the rest of us standing, which as on some boxes. We were all watching TV, and I (we) were all casual-like about Dad bring there; we just talked while he sat up there, and did a few small things, like organizing the magazines, and chit-chatted. I looked up to him more than once and told me plain as day that I loved him, the same thing I used to say to him when he was alive - I love you Daddy. Or I would ask him how he was feeling and such, and he said fine, or good, that he was comfortable up there. At some point in this I realized that we had pulled off some miracle, but 'bringing him back alive before he died' type of thing. I thought I knew what we did, but as soon as I woke up to write this down I couldn't remember what specifically and exactly was happening. I did look over at A once and she too had tears in her eyes because he was sitting there with us and he was back after he had died! I think I hugged her too and exclaimed how cool was this? Dad is here again!

Recent dream 5 - The church of oneself

I'm calling this dream The Church of Oneself

So I'm beginning to sense a 'theme' lately about my dreams, and the theme isn't pleasant to contemplate.

I was some kind of truck driver, hauling big loads of 'stuff' across contry, or around the state, something like that. I was getting ready to make a delivery into this VT or MA church in a rual and quire beautiful neighborhood, it was Fall and the scene of the season was like out of one of those rural covered bridges photos. But it was also very Italian-looking at least in the same way that some pictures of Italy look - narrow cobblestone streets, vistas, etc.
So I was trying to find this church in this town to make a delivery - and I keep taking the wrong turn, not consciously of course, but I felt both the town beauty and it's confusion of streets like some mazes and such. (I can BARELY) write this now because I am thinking at he same time now rich this is in allegory and metaphor!!!) So I finally think I find it and I go inside to make sure - and WOW! it is sooo beautiful! picturesque afternoon light streaming through detailed stain glass windows, failing onto handmade and oil rubbed pews, all surrounded in a reverential quiet. I stand there for a moment soaking it in - and then realized that I'm not alone. I look up, way way up, because they are insanely tall!, and see that there are the nuns(?) walking around too - BUT these people are dressed like hookers and folks that might be in some freak show/circus instead of a Christian church. And my are they tall! Like basketball players tall - so I meekly look way up at them and ask them about the name of the church and is this the right one to make the delivery? They don't really answer me definitively, so I think I go outside and try to find a parking place for the truck. Then the scene changes slightly and I'm back inside the church, and I'm asking them if this is the right place again, but this time one of the nuns/hookers tells me that that it's OK honey, you are really one of us, not one of the nuns that are also in the church. I immediately start crying/weeping, because I see that she knows inside me and yes I am deceitful and unpure. I have this feeling of truth about myself for only a minute and it slowly started to change to morph into me telling myself, yes, its' true, but I do belong here too, and I am pure and truthful, because really in essence, this holiness and truth and beauty in ONLY a part of me, and I know myself to be truth and beauty and pure WITHIN MYSELF ALONE. It's only when you put/place trust and light and love and the power of transformation and redemption and religion into another that you get into trouble, and that's when things, for me, become clandestine and deceitful and yuck!, but if you go into life and be pure, truthful, honest, lovely, all within yourself, you are all good, because these things only exist within yourself in any case.

Recent dream 4 - The sleigh

It seems like I ebb and tide with my dreams - sometimes I seem to 'have' and remember them every night - other times I seem to lie fallow for period of time.

I only remember a snippet of my dream(s) last night - but it was crystal clear. I was talking with F and R, who I work with. They were in a sleigh, getting ready to go, to go to another part of our 'business' that was far away. We were discussing how to hone in, get more productive, get faster, be more specific, be more exact by using a multitude of techniques and ways to be more productive. As we were saying our goodbyes, I grabbed a old bookkeepers style checkbook - the big photo album style one. I walked over to the sleigh and took the book with me - I looked at F and said 'remember this'? Remember when we did one check for one thing, not this a bunch-of-smaller-checks-all-adding-up to a big total, which then would be accounted for individually, and then compartmentalized and divided up, blah blah blah...remember when we did it once, whole-like, steady, centered? And my eyes welled up with tears and I thought that that's what I longed fof; yes, what I so wanted to return to, the old way, the whole way, the not sped up way, the not chopped up into little bits way. F looked misty eyed too - and we both sighed and felt terribly nostalgic, standing there remembering how it used to be and wishing we could go back, do it like that again.


Why can't I 'go back'? What prevents me from taking it more whole, being more centered, not feeling rushed and pieced out? Why do I view these feelings with nostalgia?

Recent dream 3 - We are all one

I had a really pleasant dream last night who's central message was that everything is ALL related or joined or connected to absolutely everything else.
I was in the process of changing jobs and I was looking for something that had meaning (hell, I seek meaning in most everything I do!!!) and I decided that a recyclables and green environmental job was the new path for me - because it joined my ideals and values int a livelihood. So I was working in R & D and sales for this company and I was at a desk trying to figure out something when I realized that it was very simple in theory - we are, on a molecular level, all connected together - but how to translate that notion into a chemical and biological dynamic was going to be the difficult part. There are 92 naturally occurring elements in the entire world, and all the physical reality we have before and around us comes from those 92 elements. Isn't that amazing? And my job was to help work on finding simple ways to combine and uncombined those things so we could be more green, more smart about using what we have in a new way - recycling.
Obviously my dream also quite heavily brought me back to thinking about my physics term/word I call singulation, which is the process of reality creation on the quantum level. Singulation happens on/in both the corporal and the non-corporal worlds - in the non-corperal world, singulation oftentimes happens as a synchronicity. (Our class talks about this). In any case, singulation still happens in the physical world too, where 'reality' is created, and new physical reality is created. In essence, all matter and non-matter are connected, and my dream suggested to me that some of the secrets of the scientific world could be more opened up and understood by fully grasping the implications of this primary notion.

Recent dream 2 - Dreaded hair

I had a dream last night...that I (very alternatively like) married my first boyfriend. It was more of a non-traditional marriage, really, because my husband and his wife were there - but it was a different type of being there for both of them - my hubbie was there in person, and his wife was there via video cam, so I could see w-a-y in the back of the group that had gathered, but she wasn't there in the strict sense of the word.
So we were sitting Indian-style (who uses that phase anymore anyway?) and it was both my HS friends who were friends with both of us in HS, and then some other people who seem to be college folks, in that I had to run to one of their houses (where many people slept) to ask some question about a schedule of some sort, before we could have the ceremony and all.
So I woke up the morning of the wedding, and we had spent the night together, so it was all warm and cuddly - but I was facing a dilemma of sorts, because I had to decide what to wear to my wedding and how to do my hair. The hair question turned out easier than I expected - one of my girlfriends started twisting it, making it stick together, like dreads almost, and I liked that, so we did it to as much of my hair as possible. I wanted to stick with a 'natural' theme wedding and service. Then I was standing somewhere and cont. to twist my hair, and an old friend of my parents suddenly appeared next to me as we were standing on a hill watching the wedding start to come together, which ended up sorta like looking at a video displayed bus schedule or an arrive/departure scroll at the airport. He asked me if I had anything blue yet, and my reply was that it was too early to deal with that; I hadn't decided yet. Then I remember standing on my head, or being in this weird yoga position, so as to let him know (I never liked this guy in real life anyway - he was kind of a creeper) that I was being independent and this was a non-traditional type of wedding.
I was back in the bedroom right after that (like John and Yoko in bed type of thing) and my first boyfriend was starting to drink champagne and I was a little worried that he starting too early. (We see each other now and I'm worried about his drinking in general). The feeling tone for this dream was of wonder and freedom for me - I was going to marry my first love, but our hubbies and wives were there, not expressively approving, but not freaking out in negativity. I could love who I wanted!

Recent dream 1 - Russia

Even though it's only about 1/2 of a hour since I woke up, I'm only able to remember the 'last' few parts of what feels like a disjointed dream...

I was moving, or I was looking to move. My son K (the one who had the brain tumor) and I were sorta out looking for an apt., but it was this weird post-modern, early Russian-looking urban setting that we were searching for an apt. in. The weather was typical barren winter landscape - mostly overcast, windy, peeks of sun throughout. We were getting the apt tour in this large, storied building - not what we wanted at all, but the impression from the emotional tone of the dream was that I had to be there - there wasn't much else.
We went into apartment that was still occupied, and we were both standing in the laundry room, as the older and overweight female tenant was telling us that the washer wasn't working. K and I stepped in and were taking a look under the washer and such, trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with it. The laundry room area was right off of the back pouch area, and I was out there waiting for his final assessment of the washer. i stood gazing out over the landscape - few and far between smaller, windblown trees, overcast sky, large concrete buildings dotting the still faintly green lawns between them. K came out onto the porch and was walking past me to go down the stairs to leave when he said something about the washer needing a snub-noise electric plug, meaning it needed a new shorter cord. I looked back at the view and the grey sky and started to cry and I choked out loud 'I'm so lonely'. I stood there for a few more moments sobbing, as K walked away, and realizing, now more in an awake manner, that I am lonely, and I feel like it's part of my nature now - that I'm always lonely, and sad.