Notebook 5

Notebook 4

Notebook 3

More notebook pages 2

Powerful words

Reading The Self-Aware Universe by Amit Goswami.
It's powerful and wonderful - I liken it to Wolf's way of saying things, of telling a story.
Resonation with what someone is saying is a strange and curious emotional/intellectual response, as this book also contains tidbits that will bring me to tears, almost instantaneously...
"Can you imagine loving someone from choice - not because there is the possiblitiy of ego-gratification, not because you are in love, not because you have reasons to love? This is love from the level of buddhi. We cannot will it. We can only surrender to it in a creative opening."
And,
"There is a Chinese fable about the similarity and difference between heaven and hell. Both heaven and hell are banquets with large, round tables that are laden with delicious food. In both places, the chopsticks are about five feet long. Now for the difference. In hell people try in vain to use the chopsticks to feed themselves. In heaven everyone simply feeds the person sitting across the table. If I feed another, will I be fed? Surrendering this ego-level uncertainty is the awakening of trust."
"Just as unconditional love demands trust from the lover, so it invites trust from the receiver."

From the notebook

6/21/07

I woke up this morning all emotional - more so than usual.

The dichotomy between love/spiritual transcendence and the urbanly mundane filth seems particularly strong this morning, today.

Authors

1. Lionel Shriver

What turns me on - Things I always enjoy - Things that give me pleasure

1. Going to yard/estate/garage sales. Yeah, I shyly admit that I'm not too out front with this one - going to yard sales, being what one might call addicted to it, is not something I usually put right out in the fore of my doing activities list for others to hear/see/view. I really DO love doing this - the planning of looking at CL or the newspaper, the mapping out of where the yard sales are, etc., and, looking back, my enjoyment in these activities has been a part of my life now for 30 + years! Wow!My mom and I sorta took it up together shortly after we moved to SF in 1970...We must have taken it up almost out of necessity, as my family and I never had much money, so it's seed was getting some or more for less.
My sheer pleasure and enjoyment stems from two areas: the potential of purchasing an item cheaply that would normally be retail-wise quite expensive, and two, I love enmeshing myself in the semi-quantum world of looking at/viewing objects/things. (Some further explanation is needed here; upon re-read, I was thinking that someone else would think I was some kind of voyeur!...hummm...just a brief thinking about that word turns me on, so maybe I do 'like to watch'....(more later on this)...
(I'm sorta off on a mental tangent now, thinking that last sentence gave me reason to consider if I was indeed going to list my sexual pleasures here...but that was not my original plan here ;-0

20/20

I think the saying is: Hindsight is 20/20. Yeah. That's right. Why is that?

Sometimes my psyche is just a big backasswards vicious circle, it seems.
So I don't want to 'have' guys in my life that just want me for sex - so I don't - M, MJ, R, now V (who remains to be seen), all do the chaste approach, then w/ J it's all about sex (but in wolf's clothing).
So the alphabet soup crowd leaves me whining about nobility though - THEY (hehe) are forcing me to look inside myself and find my worth w/o sex - yikes! Really - to deal with the self-esteem issues, to see that I am intelligent (still don't think so at all), interesting (uh?), etc. But outside validation is only one small (er?) aspect of intrinsic self-worth - first and foremost, I have to believe in myself and see my own self-worth, as no amount of external v will ever be able to fill that gap...OK - this all sounds fine, so far...
Except I'm still hesitiating, still searching for a way to validate myself w/o having sex. (Which is, in a weird twisted way is both extremely egotistical of myself and debasing myself too)...I seem to like/want to entice myself and flog myself at the same time...thereby going back (in a backasswards way) to the 'most amorous' statement...

Oh - and did I mention that I was to be enthralled w/you too? That I want love to be idealized? That I work best in an idealized, forever being enticed relationship? John Bendix enticed me - I was going to travel to Europe w/him (one of my dreams!), he was very smart...and in the end, yikes!, he was a lying emotional cripple. (I would say I'm still hurt about J and I, as I usually am so polite not to mention his full name, etc. and today I said f*&k it instead).
Hah! LOL, with a snicker - maybe it's Mercury retrograde...

Insert melodramatic post title here

OK - so immediately I'm sure you get the impression I'm not in a very positive mood right now, and hey, you would be right! So why not blog-it-out, spread this shit around, let it fertilize others and hopefully let it go..;-0

Being creative. Staying creative. Those are the keys to maintaining my (and everyones I would strongly suppose) balance, and balance is important to being healthy. So when I get depressed (like today) I know I need to draw and dance and put something together in a creative way - even write, like now.
Check list:
I really want to talk this morning about why the unobtainable is the most amorous for me - (that's a statement I made a few months ago here).
How do you balance your projection vs. your reception in being an empath?
What does it mean when I start to cry around someone else? What are they touching on, inside me or inside them, that effects me so much - and in small answer to that, it's like a quick vision of the transcendally unobtainable appears and I get moved to tears...or i know I am very close to tears, a strong upwelling of emotional response, as the circumstances are different and the response is different too - but I feel like I could identify a current or a thread...In the car on Monday, sitting talking to MJ, I was babbling on about my last visit with V, and I 'caught' a feeling of MJ needing direct attention (I use that word loosely) and I shut myself down and started receiving his feelings...and soon enough I started to cry because I was feeling his feelings, I was just there, crying and what I felt was fairly deeply connected to him, while he talked, I KNEW he was in pain, he was feeling pain...But again, where does the line come in? The line between him and I? I know emotionally he is 'safe' and we are not involved - so he is, pretty much, the unobtainable (and seriously, I wouldn't want him overall and above anyway)....
So - my empathy is tied in some manner with my low self-esteem my thinks...
And with V, it happened the other night when we were at the Cosmopolitan, talking over dinner...I felt myself open up to him, just a little (I think we were talking about my being a single welfare mom and how bad things were for us when I was going to SRJC/SSU) and I got misty-eyed for a few moments,felt my emotional vulnerability show up and out (I'll have to ask V if he felt or noticed anything there/then.)
That time was a little different than with MJ, as I'm still getting to know V, and the trust thing for me makes me aloof and not so grounded in the here and now w/someone, sometimes, esp. at the beginning of a relationship.
(I still harbor great fears and tears that no one will love me unless I put out...that line of thinking follows the one of the self-confirming waterloo - sex is the great bond, but it's secular and illusive and fraught with pain and hurt...so I can achieve the oneness with sex, but then it's gone and isn't just for me anyway - guys give it to others WAY too easily...so my oneness becomes something that I thought was dependable and unique, and I wake up to find out it's not...

Sigh.

And I'm very intrigued with V's whole concept of domination and women - to quote (loosely) - All woman are doms, and most top from the bottom.
I think I agree with that, and see sex (from a angular view) as a power struggle and sometimes HUGE emotional game between men and woman, which is rarely discussed and dealt with on any level between them.
More on the V statement later.

More pieces...

Reading The Connectivity Hypothesis by Ervin Laszlo...

Singulation, being a process of a quasi-instantaneousness, and related to a single singularity, is more of a coordinate singularity than a topographical one/equation.
I don't see any problem with pre-singularity being a plenum field theory, then having it change and become a coordinate field idea upon singulation. (For some reason I cannot fully understand, physicists seems unable to combine parts and pieces of both classical and quantum theories together when necessary to be able make a consistent and holistic theory.)

I also think that time DOES become part of singulation on the quantum level, BUT it is not irreversible after singulation. And it DOES become a thermodynamic arrow of time as mass increases.
The setting of the directional arrow of time upon singulation does mean that complexity increases because at the quantum level, singulation is happening, oh, about a gazillion times a second, and because of the inherent properties of each 'natural' singularity which becomes atomic, common direction in time and of time occurs.