My blog will never be famous.
My blog will never be famous, like some of those listed on Bloggers home page...with all the BIG TYPE and CHECK THESE (THIS) BLOGS OUT!!!! kind of statements smeared and garishly displayed for the entire world to see...No, no madam, my blog will never be in the Featured Blogs area....nope.
And why not, she dared to ask?...Because this blog is all about me.
What's important, today and now, in these times of increasing rapidity in the entire structure and fabric of our lives, of the increasingly mechanized aspects of our environment, in our internal rhythms and cycles too....What's important today?
What has meaning and feeling in my life?
I get called into nature..I get moved to be still and let my primordial beginnings flow through me and around me once again - like a emotional and sensible re-charge, re-generation...nature itself is not not what's important for me at this moment, it's the loss of the ability to tell what's important that brings me back to nature.
With nature, I get the 'big picture' again, the ebb and flow of essencial and meaningful life - not my life, but all life.
That's what's important.
Gotta love the New Yorker (at least I am, and do)...
Most seem to have given up on the magazine after Tina Brown left, but I have no basis for comparison, having come into really knowing the magazine since then...this recent week's issue had some wonderful writing it in, as usual. The quote above is from one of the articles, I don't remember which, but does it matter anyway? Great lucid crafted coherent poetic fine writing is eternal, is it not? It's words put into a Platonic eternal form of beauty; stories, our written craft, formed shaped labored over is as solid of shape when it emerges and when it is jointly and commonly read - whoa! watch out! that's when it becomes really good, specifically good, calling to many who uphold the memory of the form in their minds - seeing it again in the shape of a story in our language, a metaphor crafted together, making up an eternal form.
(By Jove, I think I may be on to something here) - maybe our LANGUAGE, like a spoken and written symbol is a Platonic form. Like a meta-symbol, because I can already hear an argument that says there are too many specifics and details and such to make, or decide, how much of a story (filled with a gazillion individual stories) is going to make up one form - but it's the meta form that makes language become Platonic - not the small individual words.
Something certainly to contemplate.
Creatively, I am fallow right now...I miss (and seem to almost desperately need) Eros to be stimulated and productive...
As much of a dick as J was, he did stimulate my creative juices...we produced some great stuff when we were together. I think I nearly fancied myself a writer at one time in our trysting; all because of the urgings of Eros.
I dreamed about M last night - he and I never had much creativity between us, we just seemed to fit together in a solid, pragmatic sense.
I need my fields fertilized; I want to feel the creative kick in my belly, I'm needing to bloom again...
"In the quantum realm (and the boundary between the quantum and classical worlds remains mysterious) objects may exist in two or more states or places simultaneously—more like waves than particles and governed by a “quantum wave function”. This property of multiple coexisting possibilities, known as quantum superposition, persists until the superposition is measured, observed or interacts with the classical world or environment. Only then does the superposition of multiple possibilities “reduce”, “collapse”, “actualize”, “choose” or “decohere” to specific, particular classical states. Early experiments seemed to show that even if a machine measured a quantum superposition, the multiple possibilities persisted until the machine’s results were observed by a conscious human. This led leading quantum theorists including Bohr, Heisenberg and Wigner to conclude that consciousness caused quantum state reduction, that consciousness “collapsed the wave function” (the “Copenhagen interpretation”, reflecting the Danish origin of Nils Bohr, its leading proponent). = from http://www.quantumconsciousness.org/Whitehead.htm
(Text colored added by me).
Reduce, Collapse, Actualize, Choose or Decohere = all mean SINGULATION!!!!
I think old anything just doesn't go away, for me. Take old pain - pain from being hurt, pain from being rejected, pain from un-obtainment of the un-obtainable.
MJ said "You were abandoned."...and I kinda fought that, coming up with various and sundry excuses for my Dad leaving me and my Mom. He couldn't handle it, drugs screwed it all up, etc. Do the reasons justify anything? Answering my own questions here - Yes, they help ease the pain and loneliness I feel, sorta. I also feel I still resent my Dad now, occasionally. I don't like the way he treats me, cuts me off, tells me to slow down, be quiet - projected shadows of himself, and a shadow relatedness of our father daughter relationship.
The interest and dependence in sex I will take part of the responsibility for though. I think some of my interest in sex is inherent - the other part (60/40%?) was my early exposure to what I consider a healthy view of sexuality, albeit an overwhelming view. I also think I used my interest in sex, which primarily manifested itself early on in the form of masturbation, to make myself feel better, and as an escape. As an young adult I mistook sex for love - I could hold a man with sex, but didn't have enough self worth or a high enough self-esteem to value myself w/o the sex in a relationship. What could I possibly give some guy except for the world's best blow job?
There have been very few men in my life that have cared enough about me to not have to have the sex part of our relationship take predominance - like Michael and Jim....and I'm still afraid and shy of looking inside myself too - too painful, too much hurt, too much sorrow contained therein.
Dean Radin = Theory of Entangled Minds One of the most surprising discoveries of modern physics is that objects aren't as separate as they may seem. When you drill down into the core of even the most solid-looking material, separateness dissolves. All that remains, like the smile of the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland, are relationships extending curiously throughout space and time. These connections were predicted by quantum theory and were called "spooky action at a distance" by Albert Einstein. One of the founders of quantum theory, Erwin Schrödinger, dubbed this peculiarity entanglement, saying "I would not call that one but rather the characteristic trait of quantum mechanics."
From his web site; " If you do not get schwindlig [dizzy] sometimes when you think about these things then you have not really understood it [quantum theory]. - Neils Bohr
Ervin Laszlo = The Akashic Field
A quote; "To me it's very obvious that consciousness is not simply an epiphenomenon, not a byproduct of the brain; it's something that's pervading the whole universe. . . . Consciousness is not simply produced by a complex set of neurons. It's there, in the whole body, and in all of existence.”
Note to self: Investigate Singulation's relationship and potential convergence with Stoicism.
Tried to write a post to M this morning - didn't get very far before I was was crying and quite depressed.
I wondered in one of the drafts if he was the only true love left standing that hasn't lied to me - yeah, I think so, but asking someone if they ever lied to you is more than an ironically loaded question! I think I miss him because 1. I can never ever possess him, and 2. I assume he knows me better than myself.
The unobtainable is always the most amorous for me.
That's why the intellect reigns supreme - now who's gonna claim to be fantastically smart? Or incredulously knowledgeable?
From Gottlob Frege - "We really experience only (our mental) ideas, not their causes. And if the scientist wants to avoid all mere hypothesis, then he is just left with ideas: everything dissolves into ideas, even light rays (and) nerve fibers...from which he started. So he finally undermines the foundations of his own construction."
Our projections, longings, desires, are all intermixed - that is why synchronicity exists - it's the pre-dark matter of our existences coming together. Once singulation occurs - once reality is formed, begun - reality happens - explosive realizations, desires swelled and crested, images projected and fulfilled, and then it's gone. Reality (running on the inherent object's time length) becomes what's left over, spent; the birth of dark matter.
My passion has been opened
cracked, like a coconut
or
like bees
swarming and gathering
fanatical, excited, coalescencing,
or
like the swoop and dive
of a flock of blackbirds
down
and around the the winter colored greenishness
of the millpond
or
like a can
(say of tuna)
prosaically grabbed and opened,
to be drained -
meant as nourishment, supplement.
Mored to an internal rhythm
that propels to a single source.
For me; different then them, yes -
it's you.
FAW is so plain spoken he is eloquent. Reading Taking The Quantum Leap this week...
In talking about Bohr's Complimentary Principle and the wave-particle duality..."Is the momentum hidden when we measure the atom's position? Is the atom's location hidden when we measure the momentum?...Both of these attributes, momentum and position, are potentially present in nature, but not actually present, until an attempt is made ot measure these attributes. How we choose to compromise will determine...In a sense we never actually lose information. Rather, we shape it. That is, we alter potential reality, making it actual...this potential reality is available for our choosing. The 'experiences' we call reality depend upon how we go about making those choices. Every act we perform is a choice, even if we are unaware that we have made a choice."
"Yet when it comes to seeing ourselves, we are remarkably invisible. We haven't learned to see ourselves as others see us or as we see others. Whenever we observe, our part in that observation is seemingly minimized. Or, depending on our ego state, the opposite happens and our part in the process becomes blown out of proportion. While engaging in the act of observing, 'we' separate from that which we observe. In the very act of observation, the objective, 'real' world appears and the subjective observer vanishes. We know not how to observe ourselves.
"Objectivity takes its toll; the cost is your awareness of your awareness. But objectivity is only an illusion."
"We need to see the complementary side. We need to see our role in all of this. But this is not an easy task. It is difficult to give up our preconditioning. We are actively choosing the world each instant, and during that same instant, we are unaware that we are doing it. But our becoming aware of this simple truth can enable us to see the world's complementary side. "
And he ends in this chapter giving a great definition of singulation - "Your act of observation creates the choices...it is your act of observation that resolves the paradox."
Two things this morning:
1. What happened to me? Why am I so scared? What am I afraid of? Why am I so damn needy?
2. Lousy role models for love and sex. Can I truly say my parents loved each other or can I truly say my parents sexed each other? (That was a rhetorical question, obviously!)
How to f*** up
The preceding list of answers to questions about polyamory is not a guide to how to have a working polyamorous relationship, although we have strong anecdotal evidence that the tools mentioned are useful in all sorts of relationships, mono and poly. We do, however, have the following guide of carefully tested methods for making mistakes in polyamorous relationships. With proper application and ingenuity, these methods may impair or destroy monogamous relationships as well; they're truly multipurpose tools. We post this listing for your consideration; no liability expressed or implied.
1. Lie. This is basic and effective. To maximize bad results, lie about something important to the other person(s) and arrange to be caught in the lie in such a way as to produce maximum shock. Additional stress points awarded for keeping the lie going for a while before discovery, which increases the disorientation and sense of betrayal in the deceived person(s). Lying about sex gets double points. Lying about being married gets triple f***-up points. Creative lies of omission (i.e. "not telling") with fancy rationalizations and condescension get gold stars.
2. Avoid self-knowledge. This is more elegant than strategy 1, as it combines a bold sweep of denial with sorties of distraction aimed at oneself. This tactic is most effective when combined with tactics 3 and 4. Self-destructive or addictive behaviour has also been found very effective in avoiding self-knowledge by our researchers. When combined with an endearing attitude of helplessness, this strategy has been proven efficacious in attracting "rescuers" or "white knights" on whom one can then practice strategies 4 and 3, in that order.
3. Blame the other person(s). If anything went wrong, hey, it must be their fault, right? This eliminates the need for messy things like communication and negotiation, which can be embarrassing, particularly if one is using strategy 2.
4. Disclaim responsibility. This is a little more complex than strategy 3, and often includes what is referred to as "codependency". The classic way to play this strategy is to cater to the partner(s) involved while repressing one's own desires and questions. This allows a good head of resentment to build up, and one can justify anger by saying one has done so *much* for one's partner(s) and gets no thanks, etc. In its most refined state, this strategy makes the other person(s) responsible for setting the direction, pace and content of the relationship, for which one can them blame them if one's own expectations or needs are not met. Using strategy 2 to avoid knowledge of these expectations and needs gets double points.
5. Push. This is an art, albeit a crude one. When augmented with strategy 6, pushing can achieve spectacular negative results in even a short time. Remember, when pushing, only *your* satisfaction counts! It's a dog eat dog world, and you're a pit bull. Emotional and mental bullying can be as satisfying as old-fashioned physical coercion, and not nearly as easily prosecutable.
6. Play on insecurity. This is an old favorite. Using sexual insecurity as a weapon and combining this with strategy 5 is a four-star winner. Attempting to control one's partner(s) by manipulating them through their insecurities is a sure-fire f***-up tactic. It's so much more delicate than simply beating them up, too, though the resultant emotional damage can be remarkably similar.
7. Avoid intimacy. This may seem paradoxical; after all, we're talking about getting up-close and personal with as many hot bi babes -- er, ahem -- we're discussing achieving satisfyingly close relationships with a number of people, right? The trick of avoiding intimacy can be performed in several ways, but the easiest is to confuse intimacy with "rubbing slippery bits together". Substitute the words "sex" and "love" for each other often in conversations. Repeat the mantra, "If you loved me, you'd know what I want." Practice strategy 8 assiduously, supplementing it with strategy 2. According to the needs of the moment, figure out whether action or words are more likely to be ambiguous or misconstrued, and go with what gives you the most plausible deniability later. Some exceptionally talented individuals manage to give the impression of being intimate while successfully remaining stone-cold. Study sales techniques for pointers. People with good "lines" fall into this category, especially if the lines include explanations of how they truly *value* the other person.
8. Don't talk. Talking has been known to lead to communication if practiced carelessly. Communication will seriously impair your f***-up progress, and in certain cases will halt or reverse it entirely. If you *must* talk, use cliches and quotations from popular songs as much as possible, or fall back on strategy number 1.
If all else fails, make a safer-sex agreement with your partner(s) and then break it, contracting a communicable disease about which you do not then tell them. Double points for avoiding all discussion or negotiation of sexual matters entirely so that the "agreement" is wishful thinking and completely deniable. For a coup de grace, add strategy 6 and tell them it wouldn't have happened if they had been satisfying you like they were supposed to.
9. For the ultimate metaf***-up, remain technically faithful to your partner while breaking the spirit of whatever agreement you have whenever possible, keeping this knowledge bottled up to ensure maximum fear, shame and resentment. Some people win the grand prize with the figleaf-and-stinging-nettle cluster for self-inflicted suffering and wasted potential by managing to keep this strategy up until death do them part, concealing from their spouse the fact that they have been shamming happiness all these years.
I need to make a mind map of this soon, but for now I'll put it down sequentially...
Nature/Wholeness
Infinite
Abstract
Becoming
SINGULATION happens = Singulation is like J. Von Neumann's 'cut'
and this happens at the quanta level- atoms are formed
Time
Now in 4 dimensions
Finite
Separate
Being
All things begin with a wholeness and are continuous. Each thing has it's own inherent temporal relationship with the all. This all is nature.
After singulation, all things become mind, and are generated through time with their inherent duration, ie man lives approx 80 years, dog lives approx. 15 years, redwood tree lives approx 500 years, etc.
Arthur Young said, and I'm relating this to the process of singulation - "This makes action equivalent to freedom...What happens is a trigger effect occurring in the case of the human level at the subcellular level, at the level of the molecule..."
"But there are correlates to first causes within mathematics, one such correlate would be a 'singularity'. Singularities occur with complex coordinates...renders the function indeterminate..."
And lastly; I'm working on my claim that gravity is really a form of memory.
I think this song was done by C S N & Y...or maybe C S & N.
Driving out through the windmills
And some of them were still
Sometimes it's hard to catch the wind
And bend it to your will
Even though it's hard to know
Just how the story ends
The road is long and it takes its time
On that you can depend
Lay me down in the river
And wash this place some way
Break me down like sand from a stone
Maybe I'll be whole again one day
Lay me down, lay me down
Maybe I'll be whole again
Lay me down, lay me down
Maybe I'll be whole again
Somewhere between heaven and hell
A soul knows where it's been
I want to feel my spirit lifted up
And catch my breath again
Lay me down in the river
And wash this place away
Break me down like sand from a stone
Maybe I'll be whole again one day
Lay me down, lay me down
Maybe I'll be whole again
Lay me down, lay me down
Maybe I'll be whole again
Lay me down, lay me down
Maybe I'll be whole again one day
