How could I forget, she...

innocently asked? It most probably was one of THE most important dreams I've had in quite some time!!! How did I forget to post it here?

Well, here:

I never felt loved.
I still (sometimes) don't.
I masturbated because it felt good, and it made me feel good, which not much else did.
My parents never gave me a 'role model' for a relationship.

I substituted sex for love, and now know that they have absolutely nothing to do with one another, except for lots of similarities - like they both feel good, get you stimulated, etc. But most importantly, one does NOT mean the other.

I'm so

f&*king melancholy sometimes uh? So full of angst and weltschmertz (as J might say)...
ya, I know.

I'm better today.

Family Legacies and letting go

I had a strong and seemingly meaningful dream last night - about M, the role of love in my life, and about letting go.
In essence, the dream detailed another futile attempt at M and I 'getting together', possibly reflecting both his most current offer (which I was unable to do because I was still moving), and the totality of our relationship...He had come over to visit or something like that, and I tried like hell to entertain him, amuse him, sexually interest him, etc. and his response was bland and reserved. I had the feeling that we both knew exactly what was the hidden agenda (we could not let go) , but like most times, it wasn't getting dealt with or talked about...and the most interesting part of this dream was it's illumination on M's situation - why he has been involved all these years, and what keeps him coming back for more...it wasn't exactly spelled out for me, but part of the message in the dream seemed to point out to me that M's role and it's resolution is just as important as mine...but M is most always as tip-lipped as a clam when it comes to his karma and our relationship (and of course he never utters the word karma)...It's definitely a sun/saturn moon/sun relationship.
Anywho - it was all about unrequited and unresolved emotions, mostly love, and him going through the motions of us being together, me trying like hell to get him to 'love' me, and just a general malaise of a semi-tragic relationship of opposites tied together with sex, karma and cultural stereotypes...I saw most of our relationship being me trying to get him to love me and the bottom line is that he just doesn't.
I woke up from this powerful dream crying, and said these words out loud to myself, almost as if those words were coming out of the dream images themselves - 'It's OK to let go'.

It's OK to let go.


It's OK to let go.


It's OK to let go.

M, again

It must be the retrograde Mercury....



Today,
I cling to the cornucopia of you like an insulated life jacket,
I'm adrift again,
the sky mimics all the gray grey, clouds moving into misty whiteness, shades and variations on bleak, dynamic, metamorphic; then sun,
then again
back to gray.

You were the shape of my intimate things to come,
you helped form the clay,
the sensualness of what became my art, in touching,
in the deep sexuality between us.

What did I know?
You were all I knew.
You were all I knew.

What did you know?
What did you know?