Need to write...or, No se puede vivir sin amor
Yes, it's only been a few weeks since my last post and I'm definitely feeling the need to write!
Here's some journal entries from the past few weeks too...(entry dates are in reverse order (hey, I feel a little crazy today!)
12/18/07
I think I've tied the knot on M, really. Of course I would see him again, but I think we both know it's finally able to rest. I love him, thank him for so much, and wish him the very best in all things, and that last part I've said many times in many ways, but here it's not meant with any sarcasm.
And after months and months of dejected depression, philosphically speaking, I feel like love might be able to be resurrected. We always have beauty to remind us, no matter how terribly our relationships go, how faulty our systems become, how debase our existence is sometimes, we *always* have art and beauty, and originality.
Platonic Truths/Forms
1. Beauty
2. Originality
3. Truth
4. Love
5. Compassion
12/14/07
Every dream (lately) seems to be so projection shadow. Like last night's dream - dreamed about R having sex with Dan (of all people!) I watched, it turned me on, but I had real trouble reaching orgasm - or at least my orgasms don't seem to be as quick - (I think I expect myself to be really fast and quick like I have been all my life).
Anyway - I thought this dream was pure projection because when all the women were dancing at the work party last night I thought (very consciously) about how hot they all moved in their bodies and how much I really am attracted to women in general. G was just so damn cute and hot! I was smoking! S was tantalizing!
I think that little sexual tease got turned around in dream world - to R having sex with another guy, as opposed to me having sex w/another woman - and that I believe is some form of projection to get turned around like that.
12/9/07 Monday (I think)
Been quite fixated on this there-are-92-really-112-atoms knowledge and how it relates to singulation and more importantly, originality. So everything that is physical (material) can be broken down into one or more of those atoms - the combo of atoms creates molecules and this then is really everything material and physical - all from 92 atoms (give or take a few!)!
12/4/07
I don't like how I 'am' but I've learned to deal with it nowadays. I'm both independent and dependent, I'm both feminine and masculine - I seem to be mostly polarized and opinionated. But I'm pretty smart too - I think. I want so badly to be loved and yet I don't want to be possessed.
On another note:
I want to do something that creates beauty. I want to have a hand in bringing more beauty into the world. Something with me working with nature, with the visual...maybe something in photography.
Later:
What M has given me is the opportunity to learn about myself, to know how I am, what I want, what I don't want, and he did it w/o possessing me or controlling me - gave me a chance to be me. The difference between R and M is that by changing or figuring stuff out I hurt R sometimes but with M I'm not involved with him so I don't hurt me by just being me.
Would it be possible to have that freedom w/o being in a 'relationship'?
11/28/07
Is the eco-movement inherently classist?
Is the return/resurrection/rebirth of the spiritual/sacred in the ecology movement, the Greenpeace movement, the eco-social movement, never to succeed and/or convert others to the 'movement' except at a WASP level?
What about hispanics in the inner-city barrios - is the eco-movement real and important to them? How can it be real to them?
Do we have to have buy-in from a larger economic and class section of the population to succeed as movement or change instrument?
